I'd also add that I refuse to surprise the school team with outside evidence, so I disclose it before the meeting. I then turn around and ask for their evidence ahead of the meeting as well. I've had a 50% success rate at this. When I get the evidence in the meeting, I take it very slowly as I go through it myself.
I also work to prevent the conflicts in the first place, by doing groundwork and homework first. I meet with the classroom teacher and the key intervention people first to outline the status of things. They rarely will tell me much (this is a "team" decision, they'll say), but I can generally feel out what the sentiment and concerns are ahead of time, to help me prepare.
This is very dependent on the particular players, though. When we encountered hostility in the school (we had a truly toxic principal) we hired a consultant who started working with our district's Director of Special Services. He was open and cooperative. He would speak with me on the phone and/or meet with our consultant with or without us included in the meeting. We had a very solid working relationship and he generally found solutions in advance so meetings were smooth, cooperative and uneventful. Once he left the district everything changed. Blindsiding us was a matter of course.
We would provide all of our information in advance but the district would not. New Director of Pupil Personnel Services (DPPS) does not return phone calls (even at one point sending an email to confirm receipt of the voice message but not calling back). She will not communicate with our consultant. Yeah it's so much more efficient for us to have to take time out of the superintendent's schedule to discuss concerns than for her to return his phone call - that makes so much more sense.
In meetings they do not answer questions until she gets to the point where she chooses to share the information. There is always a stack of papers near her on the table from some evaluation or other that she will not distribute until she has presented her position on the information. They come in with a prepared script and she poses "a question" and various members of the district team "respond" with their prepared lines. So in other words we no longer get any information in advance. We also rarely got to make "team decisions" as required by federal law. It became a series of school decisions that we were being put on the spot to accept. Any response along the lines of "We will need to discuss this with DD's psychologist. We will let you know next week" would lead to DPPS stating something along the line of "Let the record reflect that the district has offered/requested [item} and the parents have refused."
Now we go into meetings and keep things closer to the vest, revealing and requesting items on the spot. Much to my surprise we have had good results. Things we request information about in advance seem to become more difficult. A reasonable request made on the spot is almost always agreed to. Of course we are now armed with well respected education consultant and child psychologist and represented by the best special ed attorney in the state.
Gee, I wonder just why our relationship with the district may have broken down...
