Another meeting.... another opportunity to be snapped at, interrupted, ignored, talked at with hostility and basically told we won't do whatever it is that I'm suggesting.

So how do I change the emotional tone of the meeting while still staying true to what our DS needs?

Get the book From Emotions to Advocacy. Pete Wright also suggested the Matlock approach. I have seen it work well. Sorry you are having a hard time--I bet if you shared more details you might get some better advice from people with similar situations.

Wow. You have my sympathies. Generally speaking, at least in my career, when meetings go that way, there's not a lot one can do, unfortunately. Techniques that have worked include trying to pleasantly recap any points upon which all agree, refocusing on options (good/bad/neutral) and documenting key agreements, however small.

Of course, that all requires having some areas of agreement. I don't recall the details of your situation, beyond the math posts. Is there anything useful in what they want to do?

This may not be an option, but after a year like that (although in our case, it was masked with private school politeness for the most part), we got the heck out of the school.

I (fortunately!) have no experience of hostile meetings about DS, but just to start you off and based on tricky meetings about other things:

- Separate identifying the problem from planning to solve it. Commonest reason for rejecting a solution is non-agreement that the precise problem it's addressing exists.

- So maybe start by asking them what problems they see DS having. Cut them off if they move to discussing solutions, or causes. If they identify the same things you see, good. If not, add in what you see, with evidence ("the other day he said to me...").

- Sum up the consensus of what the problems are; get agreement, or if there's disagreement, make it explicit.

- Then turn to solutions. Analyse them by relevance to the agreed problems. If anyone proposes something that addresses a problem not everyone agrees exists, make that explicit.

- End up with a plan whose items are justified by reference to agreed problems. Identify any problems that don't have solutions addressing them; they may need further attention.

Good luck.

I don't know the details of your specific situation, so I am not sure how helpful my advice will be, but fwiw, here it is:

1) Do your best to remain calm no matter what happens at the meeting.

2) Go into your meeting beyond well-prepared. Have a brief summary in writing of what you want to present as ideas/suggestions and a list of all the questions you can think of ahead of time. You don't have to give anyone the written summary or the list, but you'll have it to refer to so you can do your best to keep the meeting on track.

3) Be sure (as best you can) that solutions you are suggesting are workable, that accommodations you are requesting are reasonable and/or typical, etc.

4) Take notes.

5) If you are getting push-back from anyone at the meeting, try first to simply listen, then politely restate your concern or request. If that doesn't work, negotiate if you can. If negotiating isn't going to work for you, simply and calmly state that you will not be able to come to a mutually agreeable solution at this meeting, and either move on to the next item on the agenda or politely let everyone know the meeting is over and leave.

6) Send everyone who was at the meeting a brief email stating your summary of what was discussed and decided upon at the meeting, and what (if anything) was tabled for a future discussion. Keep all emotion out of this email, and give the other folks an opportunity to reply with their perception of what happened at the meeting if they recall things differently.

7) If you feel the school team has told you anything or acted in anyway that is against school district policy or violates your child's rights under IDEA or Section 504, send a followup email outlining your concern. At this point, I'd consult with an advocate first. NOTE - I don't think this applies to your situation (?) because I think you are advocating for differentiation or acceleration or possibly high school credit, not for accommodations etc. (not sure?)

8) Accept the fact that you can't change the school staff and that all the advocating in the world might not get you what you want. We hit that brick wall and for us, it was *the single best thing* I've done in advocating to acknowledge it wasn't ever going to work. We left that school - I realize not everyone can leave or should give up, but if you can, that may very well be your best route to take.

Hope some of that helps,

polarbear

Thanks all!!!! deacongirl - great book, I've read it and planning on skimming it over before the next meeting.

Polarbear - wish another school was an option, but for us it's not. The issues are so easily fixable, won't cost them any money or resources at all. They just don't want to deviate from their plan because it's their plan. I think I just need to go with #8 accept they won't change and stop trying to help them see my point of view.

Thankfully I live in a protected state so I have some due process. In the meantime, I've taken to doing what so many others have done; teach DS the subject at home so at least I know he's getting something he needs.

One last question... Does anyone know where I can find an article on regression? I can't remember which site it was on but it talks about when progress is actually regression.
Thanks.

polarbear has an excellent outline. I do pretty much as she outlined, but for #3, I actually don't go in with solutions. I go in with issues and concerns and I go in prepared to accept or reject their proposed solutions. I then ask how their solution meets the needs of the child. I do this because I do not have as clear a sense of the scope of potential solutions, nor can I see the whole picture for the school (mid-year subject accelerations, for instance, might simply be near impossible for certain classrooms).

I'd also add that I refuse to surprise the school team with outside evidence, so I disclose it before the meeting. I then turn around and ask for their evidence ahead of the meeting as well. I've had a 50% success rate at this. When I get the evidence in the meeting, I take it very slowly as I go through it myself.

I also work to prevent the conflicts in the first place, by doing groundwork and homework first. I meet with the classroom teacher and the key intervention people first to outline the status of things. They rarely will tell me much (this is a "team" decision, they'll say), but I can generally feel out what the sentiment and concerns are ahead of time, to help me prepare.

This is very dependent on the particular players, though. When we encountered hostility in the school (we had a truly toxic principal) we hired a consultant who started working with our district's Director of Special Services. He was open and cooperative. He would speak with me on the phone and/or meet with our consultant with or without us included in the meeting. We had a very solid working relationship and he generally found solutions in advance so meetings were smooth, cooperative and uneventful. Once he left the district everything changed. Blindsiding us was a matter of course.

We would provide all of our information in advance but the district would not. New Director of Pupil Personnel Services (DPPS) does not return phone calls (even at one point sending an email to confirm receipt of the voice message but not calling back). She will not communicate with our consultant. Yeah it's so much more efficient for us to have to take time out of the superintendent's schedule to discuss concerns than for her to return his phone call - that makes so much more sense.

In meetings they do not answer questions until she gets to the point where she chooses to share the information. There is always a stack of papers near her on the table from some evaluation or other that she will not distribute until she has presented her position on the information. They come in with a prepared script and she poses "a question" and various members of the district team "respond" with their prepared lines. So in other words we no longer get any information in advance. We also rarely got to make "team decisions" as required by federal law. It became a series of school decisions that we were being put on the spot to accept. Any response along the lines of "We will need to discuss this with DD's psychologist. We will let you know next week" would lead to DPPS stating something along the line of "Let the record reflect that the district has offered/requested [item} and the parents have refused."

Now we go into meetings and keep things closer to the vest, revealing and requesting items on the spot. Much to my surprise we have had good results. Things we request information about in advance seem to become more difficult. A reasonable request made on the spot is almost always agreed to. Of course we are now armed with well respected education consultant and child psychologist and represented by the best special ed attorney in the state.

Gee, I wonder just why our relationship with the district may have broken down...

What happens if you state "we need to run that past our lawyer" ? Maybe that would make them more careful about noting refusal when they blindside you an expect an immediate answer. Mind you I am an awful advocate. My current plan is to get a teacher for my son next year who doesn't intimadate me.

I definitely get what you are saying! It's just so frustrating when I'm all about meeting the needs of the child and they are all about status quo. GRRR!

I've stayed away from the lawyer route for 4 years only because we are in a protected state. I'm looking for an educational advocate to go with me to my next meeting though. Might help to have someone else there that actually understands the laws and my kids rights.

Momma Bear, I think that an advocate sounds like a PERFECT solution in your situation.

I'd also be asking that person to "Mentor" you in order to improve your own advocacy skills-- if this is the only game in town, so to speak, then you are going to need those skills yourself in the long run.



Ask your advocate how s/he prepares for meetings-- how s/he addresses disagreements, etc.

I also think-- NO lawyers. Not yet, anyway.

"Let the record reflect that the district has offered/requested {item} and the parents plan to respond by {agreed upon date} after consulting with their child's psychologist" would be accurate, meanwhile the district as described seems to be preparing falsified records? Or at best not working in good faith to allow a reasonable amount of time. Which gives rise to the question - Was an agenda of meeting topics and expectations of decisions to be made at the meeting supplied to you in advance, and with sufficient lead time? (Might the district's position be that parents arrived unprepared to make decisions they had received advance notification of?) It is difficult to tell from the description whether the district was not proactively communicative regarding its evidence/data/position or if they also hid the agenda of topics, timeframes, discussion items, action items, etc. Sounds like the district may be taking an intimidating and indefensible position.

Just commiserating... no real answers here... possibly a cautionary tale...

Organizations tend to be geared toward self-preservation. Not to make excuses for them but unfortunately much of what parents encounter may be based on a teacher's/school's/district's previous negative experiences with other families who've gone before.

Similarly, future families will embark on their own journeys on the road of gifted education for their childrens' sake, and the journey of these future families may be made easier or more difficult based partly upon advocacy efforts of parents today.

Some have shared that when they encountered no-win situations, they left and found other educational opportunities for their children. Unfortunately some organizations may choose to share negative statements about a family with new schools, preventing families from achieving a fresh start for their child/ren even after investing considerable effort in locating a new school which initially presented itself as being a good "fit" and very welcoming.

It is possible that a district which falsifies its meeting records may be inclined to similarly share false negative information about a family, possibly sabotaging or sandbagging the child/ren & family with the new educational institution... creating a negative self-fulfilling prophecy. Is this something attorneys might deal with... reviewing school records and limiting the information which may shared about students/families?

Just to clarify - this is full on blindsiding. No advance notice that led us to come to meetings unprepared.

Another concern that I have with so many families here saying they left the schools when they encounter these situations is that may very well be the intent behind some of this. I had been warned about our horrible principal's history of making life miserable for anyone she considered "a problem". I was told numerous stories about students, teachers and staff who left after she seemed to target them. I fully believe that was her intent with DD, especially since we had been on the fence between enrolling her in public with an IEP or at a wonderful local private. I am convinced that she believed if she made DD (and us) miserable enough we would remove her and she would become someone else's problem.

She did not count on DD's needs being so extreme that the private had to be removed from consideration. She didn't count on us getting very serious about educating ourselves about DD's rights and insisting that the district meet their responsibilities. She didn't count on our willingness to spend money and go up the food chain to get the state dept of ed, the superintendent and attorneys involved.

Ironically she got DD out of her school, at great expense to the district, but simultaneously was removed as principal herself. Both parts of this outcome are much more rare than parents throwing in the towel and moving to a new district, placing their kids in privates or deciding to home school. Because of DD's situation none of these options were available to us or we would have indeed removed her.

Just some food for thought about *why* some of these hostile situations may occur with our kids whose needs can be so difficult to meet.

We experienced this at one point as well. It's real. And a neighboring district has quite a number of "refugees" in it as a result.

I share this concern-- but look, if it DOES get to that point, you really should file a complaint with OCR over due process and retaliatory conduct. While they aren't a ton of help re: specific accommodations and stonewalling regarding same, they ARE tigers when it comes to retaliatory behavior, hostility and hectoring during the process.

Which is good, because frankly, most administrators HAVE to consider it a "win" when a 2e (or merely disabled) student's parents decide that they've had enough.

I experienced a truly sobering moment when my DD was about 7yo, and we were taking a (side-by-side) beginning strings class that was taught inside local elementary schools. We showed up at a non-neighborhood school, and because of my DD's disability, we opted to wait in the office to "talk to" the instructor (who was not an official school district employee, but that of the strings program). We were flexible on the day of the week and the time, but needed to find out from the instructor where we'd have the fewest problems w/r/t the disability issue. Quite honestly, we needed for this class to NOT be in certain environments, and weren't looking for CHANGES to the program, but fact-finding to figure out where we could fit in relatively easily...

Well, us waiting in the office aroused administrative/principal concern, apparently-- like, what are they doing there? Why are they here? Are they planning to just sit there for long? etc.

The secretary addressed the principle thusly (apparently she didn't know that we could hear EVERY.WORD.);

"Oh, they're here because {other location} is a problem because of {child's disability, at length}. They thought it would be better to wait here."

"WHAT?? Oh no!! Are they new??" (panic in voice)

"Oh, don't worry-- they aren't ours. They're districted for {other school}. No worries! They'll only be here for today, apparently."

"Oh, that's GREAT."

My DD was stunned. She already knew that she was persona non grata-- but this was one of the first times that she heard it so openly displayed in front of her on the part of an adult. I'm sorry to say that it was far from the last time-- nor was it it anything like the most hurtful, either. At least they didn't already know us.

We knew better than to even ASK for what she clearly needed for the pushback that we knew would ensue. She might have had the RIGHT under the law, all right... but no way was her collection of needs "reasonable" by most administrative standards, and there you have a recipe for abject misery for all.

So we homeschooled. It was that or risk my DD's life daily for academics that didn't stand a chance of meeting her needs. Some choice.

That breaks my heart. How can people be so cruel? (I know that there is no good answer to that question.)

Unfortunately, a clever way to stack the deck in their favor. In a trusting environment, one would not suspect a thing... after one meeting like this families often learn to ask in advance for an agenda... or another meeting.


Yes, that may not be uncommon.

These experiences change us, don't they.

Agreed. Some schools also find PG academic needs too difficult to meet, even without need for 2e accommodations. In any of these cases schools may concoct ways to spin things, possibly including trying to provoke a negative emotional response at a meeting. Sometimes we read on gifted forums that a child "wrote too well" causing a teacher to suspect them of turning in work which was not their own original composition. Even after student work passed plagiarism check software, and several impromptu pieces of similar quality are written on demand and under supervision to prove ability, such unfounded allegations can cast a long shadow. This is just one example. There are a multitude of ways in which schools may attempt to discredit, ostracize, and marginalize students/families. Families may think it cannot happen to them, until it does. It may take some months before a family is able to process this, connecting all the dots and seeing the pattern, meanwhile the pattern may be clear early on to others who are not as close to the situation.

May they some day realize the impact of their words. Hugs to you & kiddo. Similar heartache when PG child overhears they will not be welcomed to particular school because ERB indicates they may usurp position at top of class. Unwanted. Rejected. Closed doors. No opportunity.

This poem seems to fit: "I Cultivate a White Rose", by Jose Marti

Yeah-- word to the wise, here, on 2e issues?
Never-- but never assume that someone who is a lovely person and has treated your child with dignity and care for years is incapable of being callous to the point of cruelty when push comes to shove. Never assume that having your child within earshot will curb anyone's tongue.


Don't even ask how I know this.

A person who had spent an hour or two a week with my child from ages 5 to 9 yo as a coach/teacher and LOVED her-- or so I thought-- basically said (in front of her) that she was simply "too much trouble" to accommodate, that s/he was uncertain that we were "accurate" about risks, that even if we were, "other children" needed to be considered, that we could expect "no changes," and that we had to "decide whether or not this was something we wanted to do under those conditions."

This person also informed me (with my child standing there listening to every word) that "national counsel has advised us not to talk to you any more." S/he did forward me the most jaw-dropping series of e-mails from said national counsel in which my child's disability was mocked by a series of people to whom her medical information had been circulated (without my knowledge or permission). Apparently that was so extreme that s/he even found the callous disregard rather shocking. National counsel told them that the organization was not bound by ADA. (DOJ disagreed when I talked to them but whatever...)
Yes, this conversation was so unbelievably surreal that I kept wanting to pinch myself... I'm paraphrasing part of it here--

"But people are really attached to {practice}."

"Yeah-- but you do understand that this could result in a fatality, right?"

"Oh, of course. But people really like it. They're really used to it."


"Um-- you guys INVITED her to participate. Hounded us to, in fact. You knew about {condition} because you've known about it for years. We're really trying to work with you, here, but this is a risk that we and her physician just find unacceptable. I've not seen anything that explains the need for this."

{blank stare}

"Can you explain to me why {practice} is integral to the activity?"

"It's always been this way. People don't have anything else to do. You have to understand that {activity} sometimes takes a long time. Spectators have to have something to do."

"Why? Aren't they here to watch? Besides there is an area for {activity} and it isn't clear why it needs to happen in the area where participants are."

"Maybe she could wait outside in the car, or something like that."

"What? Where she won't inconvenience others?? Does she get her own special entrance, too?"

"Sure-- I think that we talked about that, in fact-- bringing her in and out the back way."



My DD repressed this conversation-- I know this because she was utterly SILENT and STRICKEN in the immediate aftermath, and her relationship with this individual (which had been warm and reverent for years) was never the same... though she claims that she "doesn't remember" this incident now. I know that she does, however. She loathes this individual, and has no respect at all for the organization, the location where they meet, etc.

This was also the time when my DD began vowing to become a civil rights attorney. To punish people like this. I'm encouraged that her response was ANGER and OUTRAGE, rather than self-loathing, at least.

The above is my personal standard for depraved indifference and callous disregard.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ [/anecdotal horror story]

I bring this up mostly to note that there's "hostility" and then there's "HOSTILITY" with advocacy. On the one hand, this was unbelievable and it takes my breath away even five years later... but on the other, pretty much NOTHING that our school has ever tried even comes close.

It's also important to realize that to people who have never met your child-- they ARE just a professional problem to solve. It's not personal, and it's not even necessarily bad that they feel that way... but it does mean that it's crucial to stick to facts and to stay away from emotion, because emotional appeals will get you nowhere, and may indicate weakness. This was a group of people that MOCKED my child's life-threatening vulnerability... people whose entire professional existence revolves around CHILDREN. Simply because I had the gall to ask if they meant what they said on their national website re: inclusion and disability, and pointed out several specific practices that placed my child's life in danger.

Expect lip service.

Expect that emotional appeals will get you nowhere.

Expect them to talk about you (and your child) behind your backs.

Even when you KNOW that they are not seeking the same goals that you are-- TREAT them as though they are...

Consider every word, every letter, every phone call to be judged by outsiders in a court of law. Because THEY certainly are doing so-- at least if they are smart they are.

Escalate as SLOOOOWWWWWWWLY as you possibly can-- because collegiality among participants is nearly impossible to recover once you draw battle lines. If you bring in outsiders, that's escalation. It is ALWAYS unpredictable to do that.


Expect to document EVERY encounter with any of the participants, no matter how brief.

It's like cat-wrangling, at that point. They may not be willing, but as long as you don't give them much wiggle room and make it clear that you won't go away, MOST of the time you can get what you need from them. Grudgingly. But recall that you'll get NOTHING that you don't have in writing, so be thorough as you write things up.

Also-- do have a back-up plan and a trigger point in your own minds. DO NOT share that with anyone else, but always-- always be prepared to walk away if the cost becomes too high. In the above situation, we had no choice but to walk away. Couldn't go legal/medieval on them (though DOJ certainly encouraged me to-- in shocked awe at just how bad and shameless those e-mails were) because of a school situation in which we were legislative advocates at the time.

School > extracurricular, so there we were. I've not forgotten, though, and I'd HAPPILY take a metaphorical flame-thrower to the entire organization, from top-to-bottom and coast-to-coast.

Agreed. Unfortunately speaking ill of a child within earshot may be a technique to hasten a family's departure.

Agreed. Unfortunately, for a PG child without 2e dx, there is often no requirement for a public school to accommodate the child. Policies and laws, if they exist, often have no teeth.

While other children need to be considered, balance can be found between serving the needs of each.

I agree with so many people here that the point of the hostility is to get me to leave the school. I mean I've actually been asked why I just don't home school. For us it's just not an option so I move onward with hope and a prayer!

The other thing to consider is the profound emotional DAMAGE done to an HG+ child who is more than capable of comprehending adult conversations like that mentioned above.

My daughter was absolutely frozen with disbelief and horror. This was someone that she TRUSTED, that she adored.

Even as an adult, I found it hard to process this series of statements. As a 9yo child-- impossible. This was an epiphany for my child-- and NOT one that I'd have wanted for her. She's deeply bitter and cynical, and is often very reluctant to self-advocate because she KNOWS how superficial most people are about it.

I guess it is safer and better in the long run to know just how cruel and self-centered most other human beings are, but wow. Believe me, an HG+ child has NO difficulty with the underlying message; "You're nothing to me, in spite of how nice I've always seemed-- surprise!"

To know it at such a tender age is really distressing and damaging. Highly gifted kids are still children.

... to be wise as serpents and gentle as doves...

Yes. A springboard to explaining so many things, even adults of wealth and social standing may be intimidated and coerced to go along with an unjust system when their own job and well-being may be on the line.

This may lead to drawing parallels in history, studying the holocaust and more, possibly with the messages that:
1) We are not alone in our experiences. In reading parallels in history, which character do we relate to...?
2) At another time when we may be tested and coerced, which character might we relate to then...?
3) May we find ourselves strong-willed to altruistically do the right thing.

There's a saying that "You can't unbake the cake". At the same time, bibliotherapy and discussion may help process the situation.

HK, sorry for all you and DD have been through. Just sorry.

There is hostility in our community too; we've had to rescue DS from toxic situations. It still stuns me that while there is grudging acceptance of certain kinds of civil rights, others languish.

Please bear in mind that while several are sharing personal anecdotes which indicate a school may have used this or other techniques to force someone out... that we cannot speak to your situation directly... hostility in a meeting MAY be a technique to encourage a family to leave, just one thing for a family to consider to avoid being a party to their own demise.

Meanwhile on the subject of overheard conversations within earshot of a child, a side conversation encourages me to add:
Sometimes a child may be believed to be fully occupied with something else... a parent may initiate a conversation, join a conversation, add a topic to a conversation, or steer a conversation in a particular direction, and later be disappointed with the results/response. Just something which parents may need to be aware of, in the event they may catch their conversations veering into matters which they deem adult-only or potentially toxic for their children. Being mindful of this protects their children and also prevents sandbagging of relationships with other parents, teachers, etc. This does not in any way speak to the exact circumstances which HK shared, or attempt to explain or justify that person's words, which are reprehensible.

I am sorry if I discouraged you with our mention of leaving the school DS was enrolled in last year. Although they offered us the chance to leave very early in the school year, we decided to stick it out. stupidly believing we could just coach him to behave better in class (this was a private school, we would have had to eat part of the tuition even if he left). That particular school, though, was less hostile than it was just woefully uninterested in meeting his needs.

We left because we had an attractive alternative (one we were unaware of a year ago). Since that is not a good option in your case, all the suggestions about dealing with an unfriendly response are very good ones. We did find last year that documenting meetings (a habit from work, I always have a notepad), being prepared with research and being willing to call them out if they were being jerks helped. There was one comment the principal made in a meeting that was extremely rude toward DS, which was also unfactual. When I told DH about it, he went ballastic, which raised my ire as well.

I kept calling the principal until she picked up the phone and very matter-of-factly told her that we thought she had been rude and wrong with her statement. Then I stopped talking. She fell all over herself apologizing. This technique may be worth a try. Very polite bluntness followed by silence. People HATE silence. It is amazing what comes out of mouths when their brains want something to fill the quiet.

indigo-- you know, DD did a really extensive research paper on the subject of altruism as heroic behavior less than a year later. She studied the Righteous of Nations and the Holocaust for several months at 10yo, eventually concluding that nobody really knows why some people behave so badly, and others will sacrifice everything for people they don't even know. I have to think that this interest was ultimately triggered by that situation.

While she has always been OE on social justice, this changed her.

Now she becomes like some kind of avenging goddess. You know the transformation that Galadriel undergoes to scare the heck out of Frodo in LOTR? Yeah-- like that. This really surprises people because she is so easygoing and mild-mannered, and outwardly advantaged in every way. So it really surprises people when they reveal themselves as major bigots and she immediately downgrades them permanently in terms of respect and friendship. She views it as a kernel of irredeemable evil. Yes, they are human, but they also have just revealed sociopathy, and that tends to be a fixed attribute. It's that simple to her; she will NEVER trust such a person fully again. I used to think that this was simplistic of her, but I'm increasingly convinced that she's probably right.

I warn other parents about the possibility of exposing a child to that kind of adult hostility. It's horrifying to have your child listen to adults who SHOULD care for them-- being dismissive or downright hateful for things that they cannot help. Adults really underestimate how much of this children can understand and absorb. HG+ kids are far more vulnerable in that regard. Ironic, isn't it, that these same adults are often expressing concern about older peers or what is "age-appropriate" in some way...

I know other parents who strategize by bringing their kids into meetings-- to "personalize" the issues on the table, and make adults behave in a more professional and caring fashion. You know-- because little ears and eyes are watching. I know many families for whom this has worked wonderfully. Obviously you have to do it at some point with disability so that the child learns advocacy skills.

I'm issuing a caution about that practice as strategy, however-- because of the high cost to the child if that gamble does not pay off as expected. If the situation is already into hostile/contentious territory, DO NOT expect involving your child directly to improve things. There are truly adults who simply do not care. I wouldn't have even believed that until I saw it happen. Their attitude was that WE had "chosen to involve" our child in what should have been an "adult matter." I still disagree and think that if things are being said ABOUT my child that she shouldn't hear-- maybe the adults saying them ought to be keeping those things to themselves. Be aware that they don't/won't, and they'll blame you for the hurt they cause. If it happens to be a classroom teacher... be aware that you're asking your child to be compliant with a person who that child KNOWS is untrustworthy and doesn't care about him/her. Few HG+ children are going to take that well.

Finally-- consider that last point in a child with high social/emotional/empathetic skills. Even if they ARE NOT privy to details, if a classroom teacher reveals that kind of hostility, I'd consider that a do-not-pass-go kind of moment. No way do I believe that my child can remain ignorant about that adult's attitude toward her; I certainly don't need to tell her for her to figure it out.

She has taken some terrible stuff and used it for good. What spirit! That's what many hope for our kids. Looks like she found this path for processing on her own, that is tremendous. I wonder how rare that may be?

Great words of wisdom. Some districts require students to attend parent-teacher conferences. As you mentioned, things may be said in this context which may negatively impact the child, while parents may feel blindsided and unempowered. (This is not the type of circumstance I was thinking of in my post after a side conversation; The conversation was about having optional, casual free-flowing discussion when it was believed the child was focused on something else and fully occupied.)

Before bringing DD to meetings, we asked her to write out her own thoughts on the topic at hand, and I read them out to the meeting. Nobody listened.

We invited our DD to meetings because she wanted to be there. There was a point somewhere (I think 1st grade) where she got the idea that WE were the ones responsible for placing her in that grade level, so she thought we were the problem, and had lost trust in us. This partially explained the severity of her emotional problems that year, because at that point, she felt completely isolated. We had quite a job to do convincing her where the battle-lines had been drawn in those meetings. Bringing her in was important to re-establish trust.

Several months later, the three of us were together informally in the vice principal's office discussing plans for next year, and the veep casually said, "Now that we've finally gotten the grade-skip idea off the table...", I interrupted with a flat, "We have not ruled out any options," and my DD got to see for herself.

This is such TRUTH!! The roots of my son's anxiety disorder began with being exposed to this type of thing at 5 in a school that had been a safe and happy place for him. (It's a long story but the person who caused the harm was posing as a mental health professional, was unlicensed and eventually fired only after causing damage to many children who had the misfortune of crossing his/her path.)

He shut down for nearly a year and only recently told me how he had "marked his shoe with blood as a reminder that this was not a safe place". He does not trust being in new places or with new people without me. He logically believes that if his happy school could turn so bad in an instant that he can't trust anywhere/anyone to be reliable. We have so much work to do to recover from this. Getting a hostile disability punishing teacher in his new school did us no favors in that regard. I'm not sure he can ever be the person he was before being put under the control of these 2 individuals.

Last year DD got to a point where she was hardly speaking to me because she was so angry. I came to find out that at least 3 people on the school's team (who she identified by name) had told her "Well, blame your mother - she's the one making us do this" whenever there was something DD didn't like. A fourth said the same but said "your parents" so DH got at least a little bit of the blame. In our last IEP meeting of the year, before the district decided to inform us that they were recommending Out of District placement, I called them out on this. I didn't mention names but said "At least 3 people in this room thought it was appropriate to say this to DD". Since the words were the same and being said by so many people it was obvious it was an intentional decision and part of a directive coming out of some meeting or other. When I said this to them 2 people looked intently at the floor, never making eye contact with me for the rest of the meeting, and a third said "Well I assume you are talking about me..." Odd how these reactions matched perfectly to those DD had attributed the remarks to. It took months of pretty blunt conversations and the help of DD's psych to get past that one...

I asked the psych about bringing DD to a meeting so she could see for herself and psych was clear that she was too young. Now that a few months have passed and she is happy in her new school we have been a bit more open about just how hard we fought on her behalf last year. Just today I had to apologize yet again for the awful school she was in for kindergarten. As HK said some wounds are very deep and have a very profound effect. It's not easy when their strengths lay in the comprehension area and they are intuitive and sensitive to boot.

This is the "divide and conquer" technique.

Exactly. Gifted needs go beyond academic, these kiddos need social/emotional support and affirmation just as any kid does.

Whether someone may be refuting that a kid is lonely because they observe kids gravitating to them and flocking around them... or whether someone may be asking if a child feels better about a particular placement or accommodation... kids may feel badly hearing these things. They are not necessarily reprehensible things, but they may show a lack of understanding. For example, A kid can still be lonely when others enjoy their company, if this kid realizes the others may not be on the same wave length. Everyone has a different set of experiences and may believe they are being helpful (in this example, by pointing out how popular the child may be).

Through various advocacy processes, we have become familiar with Socratic Questioning, including formulating a list of what the opposing views may be. Questions in this example may be, "Is the student aware of others flocking to them?" Might the student still be lonely? Why might they be lonely even when surrounded by others? Who does this student prefer the company of? (knowing all the while the answer would indicate - older kids, intellectual peers, adults) These types of questions may help remove an impasse. In this example, the parents might not just accept that the child is popular therefore should not be lonely. Rather, they may lead with questions to a possible solution of cluster grouping with others of similar readiness and ability.

To take a more difficult example, upon hearing a child was "too much trouble", a parent might ask questions to quickly separate the "child" from the "trouble", and may ask an active listening question to verify that the opposing view being aired is centered on budgetary concerns, then reframe the issue as the budgetary concern and solve that.

This may be difficult to do in the moment. With practice asking questions which crystallize the debate we become better at preparing for meetings and even thinking on our feet during random casual encounters which may seem to go awry.

One person in a leadership position was known for questioning, seeming to play devil's advocate. What a refreshing surprise it was to later see him take all this information gathered by questioning, probing, and challenging, and draw on it to confidently answer each concern and objection posed by the opposition, effectively driving through much welcome change.

While much of the meeting prep tips and advice from parents on gifted forums focus on beefing up our view, some find much success in considering opposing views and how they may be addressed.