My DS is 8 1/2 and people probably think we're insane in public but I actually believe everything is a negotiation. I approach parenting like a lawyer and I've taught him to argue back just the same. I read this article many years go in the now defunct Wondertime Magazine:
http://wondertime.go.com/parent-to-parent/article/why-kids-should-talk-back.html

It really changed our fights into arguments, a much more productive way for our family to live. We started talking negotiations and fair points when he was just 5. We do give in to reasonable arguments and fair negotiations and quite often. It's not uncommon for me to hear "I will do ___ when I finish this chapter/level/show/design." If you want something, you have to ask for it and in a reasonable, levelheaded and logical way. Tantrums get you nothing. It works well in our marriage too :-)

True things I have actually said in public and getting strange looks from others around us.

"If you really wanted to buy Legos today, you should have brought your wallet. You have no money, so you get no legos. Next time." (and walked away)

"Lawyers don't whine, if you want it, present your case."

"Your argument has flaws, work it out and get back to me."

"If you don't do A then B and C will happen to you, are those consequences you are willing to accept?"

In general, the punishment has to fit the crime and B and C have to reasonable consequences that are consistent and expected. Threatening to take something away later has never ever worked with my son. Unrelated consequences usually result in a "So? I didn't want to do that anyway."


My kid has been to the store in his PJs because he was willing to accept the consequence of public humiliation and being cold. We do have one immediate signal for you must comply and that is when either my husband or I says "Safety Violation!" If you're doing something dangerous that will result in immediate harm, there is no negotiation, no discussion and you will comply or else! It took time to come to this situation but it works very, very well for us. My son gotten much better at controlling his emotions, calming himself when he's angry and negotiating for what he wants.