I'd like to say that we never yell, but obviously, nobody is perfect. I will say that we make it a strict point to avoid yelling, though. Part of that is modeling the correct behavior, and part of that is we just don't want to live like that. It helps to remember that there's no need to yell, because no matter what happens, you're in control.
Some other things that work for us:
- We NEVER make an idle threat. If we tell DD that's she's going to lose X if she continues to do Y, and she continues to do Y, she loses X. No matter how remorseful she is later, or how much she bargains for the return of X later on, the decision is final. She was warned.
This also means being prepared to give up some things you wanted. For instance, if we were in the store buying groceries, and DD threw a tantrum, we'd park the grocery cart and take her home immediately. We needed groceries, but hey, that's how it goes.
- We ALWAYS explain our rationale. Gifted kids want to know "why" for everything, and it makes it much easier for her to behave a certain way if she's made aware of why it's important. Most often, she'll accept our logic and comply in the future voluntarily.
- We pay close attention to which privilege revocations work, and which ones don't. This can change at any time. When DD was 2-3, we had her behavior controlled by revoking her chocolate milk, but then we noticed a change, where she seemed not to care. So we switched to revoking her bedtime stories, and the results were immediate.
- The toughest thing to deal with is her negative emotions, which can spiral out of control. When she's upset, we send her to her room, with the knowledge that once she has settled down and is ready to speak coherently, she can come out. This is to teach her emotional control and self-soothing. However, sometimes the feelings become a continuous feedback loop, growing more powerful the more she thinks on them. In these cases, we go in and visit her periodically, talking her down.
But we also have to recognize that sometimes she's extremely upset about something significant, and what she needs in those moments is comforting. It can be hard to tell the difference on which approach is necessary at any given time.
Every kid is different, and you'll probably find that what works for DS4 fails for DS2 and vice-versa, so this is just some food for thought. Our DD6 is a very well-behaved kid, and we'd like to think our approach has a lot to do with it... though obviously her being a girl was a huge advantage from the start, since they're typically more eager to please.
