Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy Most effective ways to discipline a gifted child??

My DD is having regular meltdowns at home due to school issues, but the school says they're seeing none of it. DD shared why, "You know why I'm being so moody at home? Because I'm not allowed to be moody at school!" Yikes.


Naturally, there are a few different ways to improve this process.

One would be to explain why you have a sense of urgency. This could get you voluntary compliance. Our DD hates being late for anything, so that's a good motivator for her. If it's going to impact my schedule to get to work, she's treated to a chain of consequences that ends with us living in a van down by the river.

And if you can't explain it, then maybe there's no reason to be in such a hurry, so you can reset. Another possible unexpected benefit of explanations is, sometimes he'll come up with a creative solution that meets both your needs. I remember how stunned we were at some of the negotiations DD performed at age 3.

And finally, there's a zero-tolerance policy for outright defiance. DD lives in a world where she knows that she can present her positions and negotiate, but we're not always going to agree, so at some point she may have to just accept our final word. There are some key phrases we use to let her know she's at that point.

And a comment about the opening question in your theoretical conversation, since some people rightly pointed out that you've presented it as an optional request. We do that all the time in the adult world, where a supervisor "asks" an employee to do something, where they both know full well compliance is not voluntary (at least not so long as the employee wishes to remain an employee), because at least this makes the relationship feel a little less oppressive. So I don't really have a problem with presenting it in this way, especially since it becomes a habit that can be hard to break at home, so it's going to happen at some time or another. But whenever there's push-back on something you really didn't intend to be optional, it's always acceptable to rephrase your request. So if I "ask" DD to do something in this manner and she tells me no, I typically say, "Let me try this again..." and rephrase the request so there's no longer any confusion about choice.


This is where that zero-tolerance policy comes in, because certain forms of disrespect cannot be allowed, and hitting a parent tops the list.

Personally, I'm not a big fan of the timeout as a form of punishment, because I don't think it really teaches anything. DD is sent on a timeout when her emotions get the best of her, when she's back in control she's welcome to come out, and she has the power to determine when that is (though we'll send her right back in if it's obvious she's not ready yet). At this point, she'll put herself on timeout fairly often, because I think she's seeing the value of taking the time to be by herself and work through her emotions. The punishment, if necessary, takes the form of loss of privileges, allowance, extra chores, etc.

Outright disobedience of a parent, though, is one of only two areas (the other being acts that can cause injury) where she can earn herself a swat on the behind. So, as I said, we have a number of key phrases that let her know she's approaching that point of outright defiance:

- "I am your (mother/father), and you do not speak to me that way."
- "You don't get to tell me 'no.'"
- "That's enough."
- "I have made my decision."
- "That's my last word; this conversation is over."

We'll usually end up using more than one of the above phrases before giving her a direct warning that her next objection will be followed by a spanking. And because we implemented this early and consistently, I recently had to spank her for only the first time in the last two years (and that recent incident was influenced by some fairly significant sleep deprivation on her part).


Having the one go-to punishment that works is nice, because it makes things easier... but the problem can be that if he loses that privilege early in the day, he may have no reason to act right later. This is where it's good to have a mixed bag of punishments you can reach for, suited to different infractions, and also to be willing to invent one on the spot, when the right situation presents itself. For example, if the morning where he refused to get dressed was a day where you guys had something fun planned for after school, then the easy consequence there is that activity is now cancelled.


With a clear zero-tolerance policy for outright disobedience, the rest can be case-by-case, because what's really important is he respects your role as his mother, and pretty much everything else flows from that.