Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy Most effective ways to discipline a gifted child??

There is some great advice in this thread. How I wish there had been this kind of resource when my kids were young!


After raising two gifted kids to adulthood (the third is still in mid school), I can tell you from experience that any time you give a child the option of coming or not, it should be when you are prepared the accept the option of not coming. Your child is discerning that "can you come" gives him the power to decide if he wants to yet or if something else is more important, while "please come now" is an imperative command that lets him know you are in charge and are deciding what needs to happen at that moment. This tactic worked very well for all three of my kids. When they didn't have an option, I didn't give them one. But when it really didn't matter, then I tried to build in options so they felt like they did have some power over their options - "would you like to continue working on your project for the next fifteen minutes and then come take a bath or would you like to finish up now and have time to read a story together" gave them the option, and I didn't really care either way.

Beyond that, I learned that it was best to pick a handful of absolutely non-negotiable rules over which I never wavered and decided the rest weren't battles where it was worth dying on the field. With my oldest, everything was a power struggle before my pediatrician recommended I try this approach. After I stopped battling her over every minute detail, she stopped battling as much over the big things. As her doctor (who is gifted) told me, "Gifted kids know whether it takes 243 times to get mom to change her mind or whether it takes 409, so if it is important, set the boundary and don't budge. The rest of the time, don't let them get to 243. Let them negotiate right away and feel like they were able to change their options that time." It helped tremendously.

The third thing I've learned raising gifted kids, is that moderation is rarely a part of their makeup. My daughter especially needed time to unwind and have alone time. If I tried to pack too much into my day when she was little, we had drama. If I made sure she had a respite from all the stimulation, she coped much better with what I was asking of her. Does your son spend most of his waking hours interacting with his younger sibling? It might help to structure some alone time for him where he can get into his own head and recharge. It may help him feel more in control over his own environment so that he's less combative when you're making changes to his environment - such as asking him to stop what he's doing.

And the last thing I'll share is that I learned that arbitrary consequences were not nearly as effective as consequences that "fit the crime". My son went through a terrible lying phase when he was about 7. After punishing him, reasoning with him, explaining to him why lying was so hurtful, I finally had enough and told him, "If you lie to me again, just know that I will take that as a sign that you are ok with me lying to you. So if I catch you in another lie, there will be no immediate punishment. But after that, I will lie to you at some point. I will agree to something or promise something, but it will be a lie. You won't know when I'm going to lie; you just will have to wonder." When he had to consider how he would feel if he couldn't trust me, he didn't lie to me. He's now an adult and still doesn't lie to me (sometimes I really wish he would... some things a mom really doesn't need to know, you know...). -smile- But the point is that punishment shouldn't always be about taking a favorite activity or thing away; when possible, the consequence should effectively teach the lesson so that your child understands why the behavior is hurtful or not acceptable. It isn't always possible, but it's a good strategy when you can find a way to use it.