After raising two gifted kids to adulthood (the third is still in mid school), I can tell you from experience that any time you give a child the option of coming or not, it should be when you are prepared the accept the option of not coming. Your child is discerning that "can you come" gives him the power to decide if he wants to yet or if something else is more important, while "please come now" is an imperative command that lets him know you are in charge and are deciding what needs to happen at that moment. This tactic worked very well for all three of my kids. When they didn't have an option, I didn't give them one. But when it really didn't matter, then I tried to build in options so they felt like they did have some power over their options - "would you like to continue working on your project for the next fifteen minutes and then come take a bath or would you like to finish up now and have time to read a story together" gave them the option, and I didn't really care either way. .
totally agree here ABQmom! With DS now 5 and in K was in pre-K, I actually had to explain to his teacher that she was giving him choices because he was correctly parsing her sentences. She would say, please would you come and join us on the rug or please would you line up. I told here that we would say come join us on the rug please, clean up your toys now please. It was like the eats shoots and leaves panda (just showed the kids version to DS, hilarious!)
I find with the incredible vocab and comprehension he has learned that words have power and when you couple that with his belief that he is an equal partner in the family, it is very important to emphasize that you are in control - but not meanly or arbitrarily. I also started to explain that we ask him to do things he might not want to because of 1) safety or 2) our values. Its amazing how many things fall into the values category - you need to get dressed now because we need to be ontime. But in doing that you have to recognize when it doesnt matter - the classic pick your battles. I have left the house carrying his clothes at which point he decided he would rather get dressed in the house!
I have also noticed that the desire to be nice and courteous can be quite passive agressive - did you want him to come now, or come in 5 minutes. If 5 minutes is acceptable - give the warning - in 5 minutes you have to come - but if its now, say now. I find that my approach works for us but where it can go wrong is when I am arbitrary and then have to stick to a stupid position because i staked it out. Consistency is so critical - and we see the difference with my DH - he can be stretched or pulled away from what he wanted because he enjoys it too and then suddenly DS is so far over the line and suddenly DH is yelling, which is very confusing for both of them.
All this is very tough because it forces you to evalaute your own behavior - how you ask for things how you are in situations where they can absolutely push your buttons like no one else!
but you absoluely are in the right place for btdt!!!
DeHe
