To claify, DD made a comment about how he could do something, since he had one arm. I cannot remember, since it has been years, but it was a statement. "you can't do ...." It was hurtful since his parents emphasize he can do anything. She had to learn how hurtful it was and wrong for her to say it. Ren
I'm sure it is all about the tone. I can easily see a three year old making a factual statement not intending to hurt feelings AND another three year old not having their feelings hurt by it. "You can't pick your nose with two hands at the same time" or whatever.
I think he would have harbored a grudge against her if she hadn't said sorry. And rightfully. Ren
Years of grudge holding for a preschooler seems really extreme. Kid friendships often involve some "you can't" kind of trash talk. Not saying that is full license to be a jerk, but that it is really a situation by situation kind of thing and kids have a way of working this stuff out. Probably all of them have said something meaner than they wish they would have and in time they learn to apologize. Often the forced apologies are a lot more about adults feeling embarrassed than kids actually learning something meaningful.
While I certainly would encourage my child to avoid children who target disabilities for bullying or teasing, I wouldn't encourage holding a lifelong grudge against a three year old friend for something they said. I'd teach my kid the more appropriate matter of fact response would be "oh yeah I can see me..." or "yup, you are right I can't, one arm." In our experience the hard thing isn't the direct comments such as "you can't" it is kids who feel so shamed and worried that they feel embarrassed to even acknowledge reality or worse yet, try to talk you out of if it when you do.
The forced apologizing and the crying kid would have made it much more upsetting to a lot of kids than the original offense.
