I strongly agree with PTP on this. Not being forced to apologise certainly doesn't equate to a lack of discipline in our house nor has it lead to a kid that doesn't apologise. Also,raising my daughter been not an easy process from a discipline perspective. We have had periods where quite frankly my daughter was not terribly likable. However dd's now consistently excellent behaviour is regularly praised by teachers/friends/strangers and she has exceptional manners. Hitting, not apologising, or whatever other 'negative' behaviour she might exhibit from time to time doesn't get my daughter what she wants. Following a lot of hard work (considered and consistent removal of privileges or attention being the main tools, combined with explanation and expectation) , she is very clear about what our expectations are and she knows that if we've said no, generally nothing's going to change. There are occasions where we 'bend the rules' and when that happens we'll always explain why it is an exception. That's not to say her behaviour is perfect, but when it isn't there is almost always a reason behind it - stress, hunger, tiredness etc.
We got there through honest explanation and high expectations, not through forced apologies or arbitrary punishments (no one has mentioned arbitrary punishments, I just mention them as I see them in the same category of responses). I also feel (and I'm not suggesting this is what you're doing Ren, this is just my general philosophy) that girls are expected to apologise far too readily. I want my daughter to feel confident in her opinions and decisions and not to have to apologise for them when they don't fit other's views. Also, I want her to take genuine responsibility when she does do the wrong thing and not to see an apology as a free pass. For me that comes about through understanding the impact you might have on others and understanding yourself and why you feel/think the way you do.
I have a recurrent thought when I watch people interact with kids and that is that so often people's expectations of children are very low (all kids, not just gifted). In my interactions with kids, either when we have them over to play or when I am helping out at school, I really believe that when kids are given an opportunity to take ownership of their actions they invariably step up to the plate and are proud to do so.
I don't have anywhere near enough knowledge about kids on the spectrum to have views on your son's needs DeeDee,and just wanted to mention that I don't mean to imply that our experience is applicable to your circumstance.
Last edited by Giftodd; 07/29/11 02:47 PM.
