Hi Eco,
This actually made me laugh out loud--the "sane" thing, which I have been seriously questioning.
I know-- they can make you feel like that when they are ganged up to do the wrong thing, and you're there in the wilderness saying "wait-- is this ethical? is this appropriate or normal?"
Trust me. Your expectations seem very reasonable and what they are doing is awful (and a violation of civil rights).
We have BTDT and gradually been able to negotiate for change. Sometimes it's impossible-- much depends on the people and structures in place locally. But sometimes it can be done.
It's been suggested to me that the teachers may feel threatened by me, because I have gifted master's and taught in this program, and they are new teachers. It is difficult for me to conceive of anyone finding me threatening--my approach all year has been "I know this is frustrating, please help me crack the code."
That's the right approach. There may be a limit on what advice they're willing to take from a parent, as well. You always want to leave their sense of their own professionalism intact.
It really pushes my buttons when teachers tell me what my child is thinking or feeling--particularly when I don't believe they've bothered asking him. Keep it behavioral, please.
Yes.
Basically, I think I've approached this all completely upside-down. They are not interested, clearly, in understanding my son
I would reframe that. Somewhere in the system there is an incentive in place that is making them choose to not acknowledge or address his needs. They may have learned that they can get rid of children who are too much work. They may be rewarded by other parents or administrators for having only "perfect children' in this program.
Given the chance and the right incentives, they will probably do the right thing (unless they are not competent to). That's behaviorism too.
At this point I am betting that those incentives will have to come from the district level.
It takes a LOT for my son to emote, he is a stoic kind of guy. But he has done a fair bit of crying this year about school, and told me at one point he felt "hated and unwanted." I felt eviscerated but he moved on.
Feelings are like weather; they do pass. However, I would still document the heck out of this and tag it to the incident that made him feel this way. "On the day when the teacher reported X, DS told me that he felt Y."
I just heard yesterday, that another friend's child, actually failed the Art class that we're struggling with right now--and was not asked to leave the program. That gives me a little bit of courage.
If you can find other parents to talk to, and encourage them to speak to the district too, that could help. Dysfunction needs to be exposed for what it is.
I have an acquaintance who is extremely well-versed in advocacy (and is a former teacher, now homeschooling) because of her own son with autism, who has offered to come to meetings with me as my "spunky advocate." I think she will be a powerful resource.
WONDERFUL. It is very important that you feel someone has your back, especially if they are the one who can help think of the right thing to say.
DeeDee
