When I think of undertaking more things to fix myself / my life, I sort of get a sinking feeling in my stomach. I feel like I'm tackling so many tasks that I'm not good at. Being a first time mom, taking care of a house, cooking healthy food, working on my business... Ugh. Such an uncomfortable feeling of not being successful at any of it yet. I keep telling myself over and over -- Anything worth having is worth working for. I remind myself that I get good at things when I work hard at them and it doesn't mean I'm stupid / a failure when I can't do them right away.
Wow Island of Apples - You are Overcoming the effects of never learning how to work hard at something. It's possible that those voices in your head are - besides mom - left over from the confusion Gifted kids feel when they never have the chance to learn how to learn or learn how to deal with the discomfort of the early stages of learning.
Telling yourself over and over that hard work is good work is about the only way to gain this important skill - handling challenge.
Good for you! What a great role model you'll be for your DD. Lots of my motivation for getting a 'good-enough' educational setting for my son is so that he doesn't have to get to adulthood before he has the experience of meeting and overcoming challenges on a regular basis (like me.) You Go Girl!
You didn't ask, but since, like your house, your mom is part of your environment, I'll suggest you get ahold of any of Suzette Hayden Elgin's 'Gentle Art of Verbal Self Defense' books. You mom is probably also a gifted perfectionist - and sometimes that perfectionism is turned outwards. She really really wants your house clean and nurturing just like you really really want your diet clean and nuruturing, and I really really want your 'thought-diet' clean and nuruturing. We are intense people.
Sometimes that intensity gets to the point where we want attention, and don't particularly care if the attention is positive or negative. Sounds like your mom has gotten into the habit of feeling frustrated that things aren't the cool way she can imagine them, and is willing to be quite mean and harsh to get your attention. Or she's a sadist and an effective one. But either way, you are 'feeding a troll' as she 'trawls for your hot buttons' and gets an energy-transfusion when you zing her back. If she were your teenaged daughter - how would you handle her? ((there's a scary thought))
Howard Glasser turns about turning this negative energy into Rocket Fuel. Every time you tell yourself that 'big jobs take hard work' go prove that you are up to the task by doing something - anything nuruturing. I remember so distinctly the time I couldn't get in touch with DH, and I was worried about where he was, and I made the consious choice to funnel that energy into cleaning my sock drawer.
As Flylady says - I didn't take out more than 30 minutes of stuff to sort through - just only one drawer. I funneled all that worry and anger into sorting those socks. All the ones I didn't love or need went out to bless someone else! DH soon arrived with some perfectly reasonable explaination, and I quickly forgot about that whole part of the story - but every time I opened the sock drawer I heard the words in my mind "You CAN organize your enviornment. Your hard work DOES make a difference. You DO deserve a good environment!"
BTW - clutter and perfectionism go hand in hand. I know because once in the early days of deluttering, I decluttered a cord that I really needed. Finally I heard those voices clearly that had been running in the backround: "You can't be trusted to make good decisions! You make mistakes and that is unforgivable! How could you be so stupid!"
It was eye-opening. I forgave myself for putting off de-cluttering for so long. I went online and spent 5$ to replace the cord. I told myself - ok - if the price of living in a beautiful nurturing home is that I'll occasionally have to pay for my mistakes, then I'll do it gladly. I don't believe that mistakes are unforgivable and I decide to forgive myself right NOW.
My son was about 5 at the time. He spilled some water at the table that week. He started to cry. I knew what to do! I told him:
"Everyone makes messes. Big boys clean up their messes. Let's get the paper towels and do it right now!" I've been re-parenting myself right along with him all the way. I'm still re-teaching myself how to deal with mistakes and messes - but it's so much easier now.
Thanks for the reminders,
Grinity
