My thought when I read your post was: "Wow. She sure is punishing herself."
Just a few questions to ask yourself:
Is there some reason I feel the need to criticize myself? Am I replacing a parent/teacher who possibly did that because it's something that I've always had in my life?
Is it misplaced guilt because of something I really *should* feel guilt for? Have I not forgiven myself and this is how it's manifesting?
A person rarely does something self-destructive (or destructive to others) unless there is a "pay-off" in it for them. If you can figure out what that is, you may also be closer to figuring out why you feel the guilt.
Another angle: maybe you feel guilt because, just for example, you have a beautiful child, a nice home & good health, but maybe your sister/best friend had a miscarriage, lost her house and is sick? (I know it's an extreme example, but you get my drift.)
You sound like a conscientious mother whose standards are high; and that's good...if your standards don't make your and/or your family's life miserable.
You know the old cliche-"When mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy."
