We've managed to move past the not trying things (through the cheerleading/teacher/it not mattering if you fail approach) .... It is very, very hard to give dd space for learning (I love that as a description btw). She is a kid that needs company every moment of the day and that company has to be involved company. And I give it to her in the main - so I don't think it is a matter of not having a connection (more of needing never ending connection!) However it is not enough to sit with her while she is drawing or chat to her while she is playing. She is insistent that the involvement include direct participating with whatever she is doing and preferably me doing anything that is a challenge. If I am busy and/or I let her know that I need some time for myself she will often sit and wait until I am done - even if I have set her up and then removed myself.
Hi Kvmum,
This strikes very close to home for me. My DS14 is, and has always been, an only child, although he has also been at daycare at least half a day from 7 weeks of age because of my work schedule and living far from family. I even got reports from daycare that at age 3, he'd sit quietly and wait for his turn at the lego table if he was unfortunate enough to not be one of the first 3 kids to drop their names in the lego center slot - for hours and hours. It was very had to persuade him to settle for a 2nd best center. I'm not sure that we ever did, perhaps we just taught DS to stop complaining about school being boring and he went under the radar.
Here's todays highly romanticized view of his early years. Goodness knows what I would say if you asked me tomorrow or next year.
Since I was a new mom, and didn't know any better, and since I already felt guilty about my working hours, and guilty about not providing siblings, or even neighbor children, I was ripe for going along with my son's strong desire to have me as a playmate. Plus I found him to be lots of fun. Plus he strongly approved of my 'off beat' sense of humor and fun, in a way that I hadn't experienced in a long long time.
Let's face it, in most heterogeneous settings I used to see a slight, subtle, pained look on most people's faces as they try figure out what I'm talking about or defend themselves against the new ideas that are streaming out of me. ((That's what I think it is, at least, because my sense of the pained look goes away to be replaced by eager encouragement in gifted settings.)) Good sensitive female that I am, I had learned to modify my output to try to decrease that rate of pained expression, and become rather sensitive to others over the years.
So now I've got this delightful child who totally wants my attention, and shows delight and appreciation in me as long as I'm doing what he wants. Plus he's tiny and perfect and so dependent on me. So yes, I tried my best to arrange my time to be a playmate for my DS when he was young, and he demanded a very high level of attention and interaction.
It didn't occur to me until later that this might not be what's best for him. So whenever I hear about parents who have succeeded in slowly training their children to play independently, I cheer! A few on this board have seemed to know exactly what I am talking about, and have reported success with this plan - slow but steady. It seems that the first step in this plan is to praise like crazy every and any slightest hint of independent action. Even to the point of "I saw you hesitate right before you called for me, because you were thinking about doing that by yourself - great independence!!!
I hope it helps just know know that this isn't an unusual approach for a highly gifted only child to take. As time has gone by, I can see that DS is a real extravert in the sense that he is energized by an audience. I'll bet you can guess that I'm that way too. Otherwise I'd never have the energy to post here as much as I do, and to feel as energized from the social interaction here as much as I do.
I have heard that by verbally describing what your child is doing AND adding what good thing this says about her character, that she will find this emotionally energizing in a positive way. The 'Transforming the Difficult Child Workbook'by Lisa Bravo and Howard Glasser is a good resource for more on this. I think that some gifted kids have a 'larger than normal' appetite for verbal praise and recognition. If your daughter is like this, then the more you take the initiative to fill her 'cup' then the less demanding she might become. Worth a try at least. Some families set a timer for 5 minutes and when the bell rings the parent goes and finds the child and verbally highlights what's going well. My son certainly seemed to thirst for that level of acknowledgement.
Love and More Love,
Grinity
