Hi,
We have always known that dd4.5 was pretty adept at shying away from a challenge - in fact it was noted by the psychologist who tested her as a potential issue long term.
While there are many examples of this, I'll mention the two that were the biggest issues yesterday because they're fresh in my mind. Dd is having a trial at school next week to see if she can hold her own with this year's kindergarteners and if so she'll start in first grade next year instead of kindergarten. She has to wear runners to school and she was keen to try laces. Within 2 attempted she had tying her laces down. Not quickly or neatly, but enough to be able to do it if she concentrates. She gave them a go for a week and then stopped wearing them. Now she doesn't want to wear them unless I will tie them because 'they're too hard to do up'.
As the second example, dd has just been reading Charlie and the Chocolate Factory at bed time. She is a reluctant reader by day, but was really enjoying sharing the bedtime reading with us - she would read a page then dh or I would. She was reading fluently and questions from us about what was happening indicated she understood what she was reading (I believe it's grade 4 or 5 level book). She has her own reading time after we read at bedtime, but she has admitted she doesn't read, only looks through books during that time and that she just uses that time to stay up later (she said that herself). I understand her not wanting to read something like Charlie and the Chocolate Factory on her own (though she could without an issue, but I can imagine it could be daunting looking at all those words in tiny print for pages and pages on your own, when you're little). So I have suggested some of the easier books she enjoys (Felicity Wishes, Rainbow Fairies, Fairy Realm), which she can read with out issue. But again she won't, because she says it's too hard (I have seen her read these easily).
My issue is how much to push with these kinds of things? These are just two of many examples, all of which I am sure are related to her perfectionism and wanting to make sure she can do something easily and/or perfectly before she'll do it at all.
In the past have always been reluctant to push with reading (and most things really), because she was so little and she didn't 'need' to be able to do them. Now I sometimes feel like I am forcing her (not with the reading, however I have refused to tie her shoe laces - I know she can do it and if I do it, history has suggests that I'll still be tying her shoes as she heads off to high school!). When dd was tested the psych said she found dd constantly trying to manipulate the situation to get help (regardless of whether she needed it or not) and this is something we see in day to day life on a regular basis.
Pushing back (for example with the shoe laces) can result in an hour long stand off where dd will flump around furiously while I just get on with my day. I don't give in to these (I can be stubborn like that), but I'm not sure if that's helpful or not either. I tend to be on my own on this one too, because while we've talked about it a lot, dh is inclined to do whatever dd asks (he doesn't do this deliberately - he just adores her and loves helping her). So I am constantly the bad guy. But I am prepared to be that to a certain extent if it means I can help her be confident and independent. I just don't want to go too far the other way.
At this stage we've had a lot of success in dealing with some aspects of her perfectionism buy talking about practice and giving examples of when she has gotten better and better at something through practice; we try to role model dealing constructively with mistakes and we talk about how mistakes can end up as a positive. She's done really well in some areas (she no longer flings her drawings or writing to the floor - she'll fix things or ignore them and so on). I would never leave her without help if she needed it - I always just ask that she give something a try and if she's given it a real go and can't do it, I'm more than happy to help. Because I am careful not to push anything unless I feel pretty confident she can do it, she invariably can do it on her own and she's so proud of herself when she does! But gee it takes a lot of effort to get her to do it.
She is only 4.5, but I can see this being a long term pattern if we don't address it. Any thoughts?
