Hi all,
Thank you all so much for your thoughtful responses. They really got me thinking and I have realised there are a few elements to this.
The first is that reading your comments I suspect I have placed too much emphasis on the being independent aspect. On reflection there are a number of reasons for this, but one of them was that the ed psych singled this out as an issue she had noticed and she felt would have an impact on dd actually being able to make the most of her abilities. This really rang true for dh and I as we have seen her not try things since she was very tiny. We've managed to move past the not trying things (through the cheerleading/teacher/it not mattering if you fail approach) and now I guess I felt that in a number of instances if she can do something (unless there was a reason like being sick or tired or out of sorts in general) she should (within reason - I don't mean that I expect her to do everything she can just because she can, just that if it is more practical for her to do it than me, say if I'm in the middle of something else, and she can - then she should). However I really hadn't consider emotional asynchrony from the perspective of doing practical tasks and that makes a lot of sense.
On the other hand there is also real element of manipulation in this instance I feel. It is very, very hard to give dd space for learning (I love that as a description btw). She is a kid that needs company every moment of the day and that company has to be involved company. And I give it to her in the main - so I don't think it is a matter of not having a connection (more of needing never ending connection!) However it is not enough to sit with her while she is drawing or chat to her while she is playing. She is insistent that the involvement include direct participating with whatever she is doing and preferably me doing anything that is a challenge. If I am busy and/or I let her know that I need some time for myself she will often sit and wait until I am done - even if I have set her up and then removed myself. For a while she was playing really well on her own, but is now back to the sitting it out. With the bed time reading, she will happily read any level of book to us at bedtime after we have read if we will stay (and will extend this out and out and out if we let her). But she will just flick through books if we don't. She mostly she flicks through chapter books, but doesn't read them. If I felt that she was using the time to look at pictures I would absolutely agree that that is worth while, however I don't think it is anything other than wanting to staying up longer - which of course means seeing more of us as we come back to tuck her in (aside from this element of it, I have no issues with her preferring to be read to - and I love reading to her). However maybe I will lay off encouraging her to read during that time and see what happens.
With the shoes, she was desperate for laces and I felt it was too early. I said she could have laces, but on the condition she practiced lacing them so she would be proficient with them within the couple of weeks she had till starting school. At the time I wondered whether it was the right thing to do and in hindsight I should have just gone with the valcro because it really did out too much pressure on the whole thing and I felt I had to follow through with it! At the end of the day, she can do it so I'll just leave off and help her if she wants it
Passthepotatoes - thank you so much for the comment about feeling the smallest thing is a huge pressure. I have taken that on board and will be really careful about that. I think that is definitely a factor for dd.
Alexsmum - thanks for the comment on the fact that obviously she is up for a challenge. You're absolutely right - your comment has changed my thinking. It's the following on with it when it isn't as easy as she'd like it to be that is more of the problem. But perhaps that isn't as big an issue as I had made it in my head.
So I will take all your comments and think over this issue with a new approach. I suspect less of some of what we're doing and more of other bits might be the key.
Thanks again!
