Here's my view for the younger set - it depends!!! DS 4.5 can be incredibly stubborn, particularly if he knows that we want him to do it, like with a milestone like wearing underwear. Everyone told us, oh he'll do it when he's ready. Well he could have done it well before the Mexican standoff at 3.5 but chose not to until we took the pull ups away, lots of people thought it was mean but he was perfectly capable of realizing that it was easier to pee and poop in his pants. We have had success with the when do you want to do it, in May I was asking him when he would take care of everything in the bathroom (wiping, sorry for all the bathroom examples) and he said for camp this summer. That was fine, when camp came and he asked me to do it, I reminded him, and he went and did it. I agree about the enjoying their childhood aspects that the OP with older kids mention that being said, my focus is when it is a power struggle rather than a developmental or emotional thing. DS likes to have control over when he gives up doing things. But if we would have allowed him to continue to say I won't write or I won't color or i can't do it we never would have gotten to the bottom of his fine motor issues which I have posted about elsewhere. As for reading, DS can read and comprehend at the 6th grade level and reads on his own but adores being read to, especially when it has new vocabulary so he can see and heat the words. We do the I'll read some, you read some and that works but sometimes he will say no. I also agree with the OP about timing, we do bath, books and bed, no free time. Instead he gets up in the morning and will often read by himself then. He's a morning guy though. With the shoes, i agree it really sounds like she is interested in mastering it and then doesn't want to do it anymore once she knows she can because it does take longer. Maybe instead of the standoff over who does it, maybe just give her two pairs of shoes laces or Velcro and tell her she chooses which to put on. With my DS and his fine motor I have to build in time for him to do his buttons and socks and sometimes I help and adjust but I have had to realize my doing it was allowing him to avoid doing something hard, it doesn't seem to be the case with yours. I guess what I would ask is what is your goal, did you want her in laces ups, or just to stick with it? With reading, why do you want her reading on her own at that time? If you want her just reading more, do the, leave a new book lying around trick, see what she does. Does she immediately ask you to read it, tell her you can't right now and see what she does. If she looks at the pixs but waits to read it then maybe she does need the reading together. But if she reads it on her own then you know it's something about the bedtime or the dynamic. My focus would be on teasing out is it about the tasks or manipulating you. When it's about the manipulation I focus on correcting it, when it's about learning to do something I take a much different approach as teacher/cheerleader.
DeHe
