The only book I have read that seems to help is 123 Magic. It isn't necessarily for "spirited children", but it helps take the drama and exhaustion out of living with a child like yours. I understand completely as my son is exactly the same way.

He is eight, and it hasn't changed. Every little thing is a HUGE deal. If I ask him to pick up his shoes I am "overwhelming" him and if he spills his drink or gets water in his eyes he starts crying and carrying on like you're beating him. It can be horrible and exhausting and very, very frustrating.

I have exhausted every angle of "logical parenting". Talking to him, explaining, reasoning......none of it works. I KNOW he has heard me tell him a thousand times what behavior is acceptable and what is not. Now I just count.

I don't know if you will like it or if you have already checked it out, but it may be worth a look. Especially since you also have a two year old. I have a two year old as well, who recently taught himself to use the microwave, correctly, to make waffles and oatmeal.

I hope this helps.