Honestly, I think you might need a different group. I hate to say that, but there are lots of perfectly nice people out there who don't accept me for who I am. As long as they don't, I can't be myself with them, and the result is that they're never going to be real friends whom I can depend on.
I know and I agree. I shouldn't constantly feel like an "impostor"!
So you have a choice: 1) keep up this superficial relationship where you are, indeed, mostly a silent observer, biting her tongue and putting up with comments that frustrate and perhaps even offend you, 2) stand up to them and make an issue of the GT thing to let them know how you really feel, risking your position in the group with the conflict, or 3) find another group.
You are 100% right. It's so hard, though. This stinks!
Which you choose is pretty much solely dependent upon your personality and how likely you are to find a better match.
My kids finally have some friends. It's been months since I have heard, "The other kids just don't understand me" or any other of a dozen comments my daughter used constantly in the past to express her angst. Her friends all range from 3 to 6 years older than her and she get along pretty well with all of them and is accepted. The other day one of the other girls commented to her mother after hearing Boo's age, "Oh I thought she was 7 like me! She's really good at 'fairies'" and she grabbed my daughters hand and off they went.
So I don't know if I'll be able to find better for my kids. It took a long time for me to find this group. I found it when it first started and helped to build it up from four families that barely saw each other to over 100 with a core of about 30 that are very active and rest pop in and out to events and discussions, etc. regularly. The fact of the matter is that I am very vested in the group and I have managed to make one good friend that I feel I can be open re: GTness, but I haven't gone there about my kids themselves, because, well, I'm nervous as heck about the possibility that she might think I'm a total jerk to even think my kids are gifted. Although, I suspect she won't I'm really to chicken to do anything more than have some short, discussions on general gifted topics, but never that I bring up. And she's constantly saying how her kid is "average" and I don't know how to respond to that, especially when she compares him to my DD. He's nearly 3 years older than my DD. She will say that Boo is "clearly above-average". She's matter-of-fact about it, so I don't feel like she means that in a bad way and she's okay with the Boo coming over and both kids doing the same workbook or whathaveyou. I'm still a chicken about it though. It's as if there is an imaginary line and I can go right up to it with my friend but crossing it is something entirely different.
There's more to the story about my DD and the older girl she was playing "fairies" with. Later the mom "encouraged" her daughter to "play with so-and-so, she's your age. You'll have more in common". Her daughter protested that she didn't like the way the other girl played, but by the third "encouragement" each sterner than the last she gave up and when Boo approached the two other girls the one she hadn't been playing with said it wasn't a "baby game" so Boo couldn't play. Luckily she has other friends there and the girl she had been playing with came back and started playing with Boo shortly after that. This mom and daughter are *not* regular particpants in the homeschool events.
I can tell you that I spent several years in a pre-K playgroup with women that sound a lot like the ones you describe. I kept my mouth shut and survived it, but I was really desperate to find a place where I fit in by the end of that time. It did not leave me feeling whole and complete. It left me feeling stifled and frustrated.
I've BTDT, with playgroups and another homeschool group too. This group is much better by far and, again, I am vested in it. So that makes it even harder to let go. I really *want* it to work! But at what cost?!
Of course, you have this forum, and at the time I had nothing of the sort. Maybe you can pour all that out here and keep your polite smile in place there? Maybe? Or are you not that desperate? (I was pretty desperate for adult conversation of any sort at the time...)
I dunno if I'm helping.
Regardless, I've been where you are, and it's just no fun.
I really do sympathize with you.
