In the case of her violent outbursts, generally the initiating incident is a slight (or a perceived slight) that was committed against DD, which means that she feels righteous in her behavior. For example, yesterday DD hit a boy.
I think "perceived slight" is key. It still seems quite unlikely to me that this is giftedness alone, seems more like 2E to me.
Yes, the boy was irritating, but he has also clearly learned that your DD reliably offers the opportunity for a big entertaining blowup.
Girls with Asperger's are often missed even by skilled practitioners, FWIW. YMMV, naturally.
When I confronted her about hitting, she initially lied, indicating that the incident had never happened, then she said that the boy had smashed her craft, which was manifestly untrue as it was sitting where I could see it, then she confessed the whole story and indicated that she felt that the boy had brought it upon himself.
That is a pretty typical example.
And really very Aspergerish IMO. I'm still wondering here, despite what your practitioners are saying.
Otherwise, yes she is very empathetic, and often stands up for one kid in the face of another, which often leads to further conflicts and just perpetuates the cycle.
A strong sense of justice/injustice (sometimes a mis-tuned strong sense...) is also a feature of some gifted/autistic types. I would distinguish that from empathy.
Mind you, she often gins up excuses when asked to engage in non-preferred activities and essentially initiates the conflict herself... but she doesn't see it that way. She feels that she was the wronged party most of the time.
My DS (2E/Asperger's) was like this at your DD's age.
We are people who chose to keep our kid in school and work out the aggression/escape behaviors. It has been one ton of effort, but we still think it was the better choice. DS has learned to function and really contribute in a classroom setting. He's now happy we made him learn how to do this.
What was required to get him to this point:
--bringing in our private BCBA to all IEP and other school meetings, and having that person design a behavior intervention plan for school that would teach the correct behavior (while keeping others safe, of course)
--special ed support, many hours per week, to reinforce desired behavior and catch misbehavior before it spiraled out of control. Ideally, this person catches the thinking mistake that *becomes* a behavior problem, teaches the child to identify it as a thinking mistake and reframe it, so that the behavior doesn't happen. This is a multi-year learning process.
--appropriate academic placement to minimize boredom and maximize participation
Note that an IEP does not necessarily require the medical diagnosis (though the diagnosis can help the school team understand what's going on); it requires the team to identify needs that make it impossible for the child to receive a free appropriate public education (FAPE) without accommodations/ services.
It seems reasonably clear to me that your DD is not going to get FAPE without an IEP. I wouldn't really want her in school without a serious plan in place for her to learn the correct ways of "doing school." Yet if you can get the right supports into place, school may be the place to learn those skills; they are harder to master at home, where she has so much more control over the environment.
HTH,
DeeDee
