I'll take a stab at summarizing.
Overarching idea: Kids do well if they can. If they melt down, it's not because they are defiant, it's because they can't do whatever it is they are being asked to do.
Explosions stem from predictable problems, that appear under predictable circumstances, that generally stem from lagging skills. For example, my DD9 is very cognitively rigid, and has a great deal of difficulty coping when her day does not go the way she expected it would. To get rid of the explosions, you need to support learning the lagging skills.
The best time to solve problems is not in the middle of an explosion, but well beforehand.
The framework for solving problems before they happen has three steps: 1. Empathy - get the child's take on what his needs are that are not being met in the situation. 2. [Can't remember the assigned name of this one] Get the adult's concerns with the existing pattern of behavior on the table. 3. [Can't remember this name, either] Brainstorm solutions, and test them by seeing if they meet both the child's needs and the adult's needs.
2. Define the problem or concern (of both parties... if the child's concern is ignored it won't work, so both adult and child concern must be identified)
3. Invitation (invite the child to contribute ideas for a solution)
...just reading about it now
Actually I'm reading "Lost at School" in which he covers the same principal, but more for teachers than parents. The scenarios he demonstrate involve classroom students, and the CPS process includes the school team, student and parents.
Same principles though. It occurred to me as I'm reading that I think one of the reasons my kids are less explosive than they used to be is because I've tried to be more collaborative with them in general. I'm still more of a "plan A, impose my will" type of person, but I've discovered by trial and error that if we talk about what's upsetting them, and if I just shut up and LISTEN (lol), it works wonders.
A very wise EA friend of mine put me on this path when my two kids were toddlers... if one of them would be acting out, she'd offer an explanation as to
why... rather than offering a suggestion of how to control it. This combined with the theory that "every behaviour communicates something" (autism training) has been really enlightening. So the "step 1, empathy" and "step 3, invitation" were already in place for us. What I need to work on is defining what the key concern is for each behaviour.
For instance, this morning DS8 didn't want to make his own breakfast. On the surface, that appears to be the concern, but in reality there's a "why" beneath that, which I need to focus more on, rather than reverting to plan A... (turns out he just didn't feel like doing it - I can definitely relate to that). We spent about 3-4 minutes discussing why he didn't think he should do it, and then finally I said "You know, if you'd just gone into the kitchen and made breakfast rather than trying to get out of having to do it, you'd be eating right now." ...he then said "Fiiine! ok." and went into the kitchen. Not exactly like the book illustrates, but there was no meltdown
I think the key was that I heard him out and validated his feelings.
