I'll take a stab at summarizing.
Overarching idea: Kids do well if they can. If they melt down, it's not because they are defiant, it's because they can't do whatever it is they are being asked to do.
Explosions stem from predictable problems, that appear under predictable circumstances, that generally stem from lagging skills. For example, my DD9 is very cognitively rigid, and has a great deal of difficulty coping when her day does not go the way she expected it would. To get rid of the explosions, you need to support learning the lagging skills.
The best time to solve problems is not in the middle of an explosion, but well beforehand.
The framework for solving problems before they happen has three steps: 1. Empathy - get the child's take on what his needs are that are not being met in the situation. 2. [Can't remember the assigned name of this one] Get the adult's concerns with the existing pattern of behavior on the table. 3. [Can't remember this name, either] Brainstorm solutions, and test them by seeing if they meet both the child's needs and the adult's needs.
