Dude, in each of your examples there would be a counterpoint skill to learn. It isn't the specific thing to be done that is necessarily the skill that needs help.
1) Think they can't do it? = Need better skills at self assessing
2) Avoidance = Skills for coping with doing things one doesn't enjoy; maybe long range perspective
3) Physical problem = better communicate their physical state?
4) Negative emotion = skills in managing emotions
So, my DS7 has problems with choices. He wants an alternative choice to his options, but he can't generate his own list of options. So we are frequently making lists and he adds an additional item that he selects. There different challenging reactions when there aren't choices or if he has to make up his own choice.
We could play blind man's buff, force him to say what he wants and then tell him no if it isn't acceptable. That's a long road to trek, but is one that many neurotypical kids may need to follow. But DS can't easily internalize something without understanding it. So, he needs improved exectuive functioning to help him generate reasonable choices.
Example, deciding on dessert... me "what would you like for dessert?", him "I don't know, what are the choices?" me "Well, you ate your whole dinner and it was fairly healthy, but you had seconds so you probably don't have a lot of room... how about two cookies or a scoop of ice cream?" him "maybe I am kinda full, could I have one cookie and then a piece of gum?" me "Sure, good choice"
I think that fits the concept of "he want to do good, but needs more skills." Maybe it isn't obstinance, maybe it is a very active sort of self-learning on executive function. Without testing his basis of creating an option, the reasoning doesn't sink in for him.
