I'm not tidy, but I don't have any problem parting with objects.
Great - start with every part of the house that isn't his! Once the whole house is humming nicely along, cleaning itself, it will be much easier for DS to get in the habit of parting with stuff.
Part of perfectionism - the kind that keeps us trapped, is to blame, blame, blame ourselves for every little thing. I remembered the first time I threw away something - a 7$ cord - that I remembered later that I really did need. Yes I threw away 74 pounds of clutter plus a 7$ cord. This was about 10 years ago, and I wish I could play you a tape of the 'tonge-lashing' I gave myself! Intensity plus high expectations plus anxiety = explosive emotional self punishing. I made a mistake. After about 3 minutes I said: "Oh, so that's what I've been trying to avoid by never throwing anything away - I feel sorry for myself for the way I treat myself, and I feel sorry for the person who taught me to act like this! I do want to live in a nice house, so I'm going to have to accept that I'm imperfect, and fork over the 7$ for the new cord. So I sat down and ordered it right away, apologized to myself, and celebrated the 74lbs of trash that I had been willing to give up!
It was quite a remarkable moment. I was almost 40 years old. It may be that a diagnosis is the way to go, but in addition, get started with the babysteps and get your 'house in order' before you go after DS. Well, give yourself a 3 month head start anyway. I remember writing email after email to Flylady in my early days: "I can fix myself, but how do I fix my DS and DH?"
She just kept writing back - keep babystepping, it will happen.
and I've seen amazing, but slow, results!
Last winter DH was willing to tackle the basement. It was on my list to go down and do my share, but his share was 90% and I'd been putting it off. One morning he woke up and said: "I should do this." And over the next two months he did. I hadn't said a thing. It's just that when one person raises the bar everyone around them catches the spirit.
Last summer DS was packing for camp while in a hotel room. DH and DS had for many long years teased me for making the bed (all I do is straighten up the sheets, I don't tuck) at hotels and motels.
So DS was repacking his duffle, and I heard him lecturing me: "Mom, you have to make the bed before you dump the stuff out because if you don't you'll never know what got lost in the sheets! I'll show you!"
I nodded quietly, but on the inside I was cheering!
Love and More Love,
Grinity
