ultramarina,
FWIW I agree with everything DeeDee posted above. I also wanted you to know that we went through a period of this two years ago with our dds and it was truly a phase. It happened here when my dds were 11 and 9 years old - they are 13 and 11 now, and I do believe a large part of it was due all the hormonal fluctuation due to going through puberty for my older dd.
I think one thing that's really important to remember is that each of our children are unique individuals, and they might grow up to have completely divergent interests, and that that is OK. They might not become friends who will play together all the time as kids or hang out enjoying the same activities as adults. That doesn't mean they won't share a close sibling bond, and it doesn't mean they will fight. My family does do things together, but we also let our kids pursue their own interests and activities (we have three very different personalities here). We expect and try our best to model good behavior and set behavioral expectations, but we don't expect our kids to play together - does that make sense? The thing that strikes me in your situation, personalities aside, is that your children are 4 years apart and different genders.. plus your dd is 11. Neither one of my dds has been very interested in anything there brother has ever enjoyed, and neither one was very interested in spending much time with a 7 year old boy when they were 11. That may sound horrible, but it's not - it's just a phase. My older dd now loves loves loves playing with the younger kids at school. If she had a younger brother, she'd probably love him to pieces *now*, but most likely not a few years ago lol. And even though she'd probably love him to pieces *now*, she'd want to do her own 13 year old things at home rather than hanging with her brother all the time.
I think it's really difficult to read tone on an internet posting, but when I read your posts they didn't come across to me as a situation that was severe enough to need counseling etc - it sounded like a mom frustrated with sibling behavior. I've so totally been there! For us it truly was a phase.
And the note about teachers/etc not noticing it - my children are angels outside of my house. I hear about that all the time. Sometimes I am convinced the teachers/coaches/whoever/ must be talking about someone else's children! They are sooooo not angels at home! Just remember - at home our kids can be themselves. In public they are trying their best to be accepted - and if they are behaving in public that means that the behavior lessons you are teaching them at home are working, it's just not apparent at home. That's all. At home they can let loose and act out and know that, at the end of the day and through it all, they are loved. They don't have that same security out in the real world. Soo.... they act out with the people who love them most and behave for the people who are truly incidental to their lives. Or at least my kids do. We have lots of deep talks at home about the irony of this
Hope some of that helps -
Best wishes,
polarbear
