Your comments about eye contact really struck me.
The eye contact issue is a good example of how we can be making things worse for people with an ASD when we are only trying to help them. You start with someone who feels anxiety when they look you in the eye then you make them feel anxious (unintentionally) because they feel less than adequate for not being able to look you in they eye. Just like that you have doubled the anxiety that the person associates with eye contact. It can become a vicious circle.
Please don't misinterpret my comments as a criticism. I just want to give readers some food for thought. Many others may have different experiences, but I want to share mine.
I suffer from eye contact issues and my son has been diagnosed with an ASD. I too used to see a lack of eye contact as a character flaw rather than something being caused by having a brain that works differently than most. Even though I knew how difficult it was for me to look people in the eye, I still got frustrated with my own DS for not looking people in the eye.
I have suffered with a generalized anxiety disorder for the last 20 years. After my DS was diagnosed with an ASD, and I realized that I too have many of the characteristics of an ASD, I cut us both some slack (not just regarding eye contact) and we are way better for it. I will never again feel bad for not being able to make eye contact. Never again will I expect my son to make eye contact. That is just us - take it or leave it. (It sounds like you have already cut you DD some slack no matter what is causing her difficulty with eye contact)
I know that many people with ASD can learn to overcome this difficulty, but my DS and I have greater difficulties to deal with. In the grand scheme of things I now fail to see the importance of looking people in the eye. I believe it is important to adhere to most of society's norms, but a lot of them are not worth making anyone miserable over.
