Wow, I went through this not too long ago. I read "Aspergirls" by Rudy Simone and was blown away when I realized that it not only described my daughter to a T but also my mom and myself to a large degree. Then I read the dual diagnosis and misdiagnosis of gifted children book and realized that so many of the traits also come with plain gifties.
We are getting DD17 tested in 2 weeks but only because she really wants to - just to help her understand herself.
As far as the looking at you when you speak, it is great that you are realizing this may be something other than willful rudeness. My DD17 found a trick that has worked wonders for her: she looks at your nose when you speak to her, it's close enough to pass and it isn't so intensely uncomfortable for her. She also learned to meditate to help control the tantrums/meltdowns (which continued well into the teens albeit with less frequency).
My DD always complained about those long tubular fluorescent ceiling lights at school and in our laundry room, she said they made her feel sick because they flicker like a strobe light (even though most people can't tell they are flickering). I have been reading that aspies are much more likely to notice the flickering. Perhaps an unscientific test? I don't notice the flickering so much, its the hum that gets me.
Interesting stuff.
