That is interesting, Grinity. My mommy instinct (heart) tells me to help ds through his distress.
You are helping him when you send him to his room to 'have his time.' Perhaps in the future when you have more confidence, you'll be ready to 'just listen' but for now,
you can show him that you believe in him by allowing him to do his thing on his own. He will be fine. You can't fake that kind of confidence, and there is no law that every parent has to 'be there' for every kind of experience. What about a parent who has tons of attention and tenderness for the meltdowns, but doesn't think it's fun to introduce the intellectual content? We all have our strenths and weaknesses, and we are all 'just right' for our kids.
Why am I saying this?
Clearly it worries you. Clearly it wears you out. Clearly you feel responsible. That last post about 'Isn't there some kind of medication to control this?'
You are a wonderful mom Jen. You are excused from that particular piece of the ideal mom puzzle. If you want to get there, I would reccomend, send him to his room, and deep breath to set your intention to - 'this is the way he is, and that is perfectly fine, and I am giving him chances to learn to deal with it, and that is perfectly fine.' When that becomes second nature, you might try the same thing sitting outside his door, and then in his room, and then holding his hand.
I know for sure that this is more than was ever done for you. There is no objective standard of what Moms are supposed to do - only that we give a bit more than we got. Make sense, yes?
Love and More Love,
Grinity
