I've been wondering what will happen if I just stop worrying about the emotional meltdowns and stop trying to extinguish this behavior. No matter what my husband and I do, our son is going to have at least 1-2 major emotional meltdowns per day. I think I've come to the conclusion that ds6 is simply incapable of handling stress in any other way. I have felt this great need to find the perfect behavior modification technique to address this behavior and "teach" ds that it's inappropriate to throw a fit when he either is frustrated or doesn't get his way. Even ds is aware that he over-reacts, but he's unable to help himself. Nothing we do makes any difference, so I'm letting myself off the hook. When it starts, he goes to his room and that's that. I'm not going to worry about "teaching him a lesson" or doing the right thing as a parent. I'm going to do NOTHING and hope he grows out of it. I'm done!!! No more worrying if he's having an emotional breakdown, if he's a brat, if he's hypoglycemic/hungry, if he's tired, if he's had too much TV, if he's mentally unstable, or if he's going to be this way when he's 15. God help us, but just maybe it's part of who he is. All I know is I'm going to start having my own daily meltdowns if I don't stop worrying about it. So, I'm just accepting it as a part of our lives right now...only I refuse to address it anymore, even if that means locking myself in my room until it's over.

Anyone else just let it happen and move on? I honestly can't take it anymore. Thanks for "listening" to my rant. No one else seems to be able to relate!

I haven't reached that point yet but one day soon I hope to! It'll save you a lot of stress and worrying!

LOL!! I posted this, and then spent the last hour reading about emotional sensitivity in gifted children! I vow to ingore it, and then I read that it might be best to help my son talk through his frustration. I worry (there I go again!) that I'll just be reinforcing it if I have a big discussion in the middle of the meltdown. I think if I can just let myself be ok with the fact that this is just how ds is...it's a part of him and nothing that I have to remediate, I'll feel better. I'm always concerned that there's something wrong with him, but it seems to be a classic case of emotional overexcitability. From what I read, there's a good chance he'll always be that way. My sister is this way, and she's 28!

Hmm, i have a 6 yr old also. We're trying to have child help themself by noticing earlier that frusteration is at level 1 and let child choose what they can do about it... needs reminders (gently, of course!) ...

And yes, we monitor if hungry, if tired, if too much stimulus, etc etc. Depending on how school was, after school is usually tough as child will dump held-onto feelings to me, which I understand. Poor thing.

I understand how you feel though as I often feel that way, ... maybe this is the way it is. But I don't want child to grow up like how I felt. That I was impossible and that no one could help me. That no one understands. Or, even, asking why am I like this? Why are other people not like this?

I'm thinking that if I can give child the cognitive behavior understanding, child can learn to manage it themselves. But since child is 6, it will probably take the next 5 years to learn to manage their own behavior. It helps my child to know they are not the only one like this. Many gifted children are intense and have a special frustration level -- only because in their minds they expect that they can do this or that, but they are not able to. Also, the need to get things Just Right, or perfect (sigh) and frustration with not being able to. Like, for example, child saw on tv an art project that involved cardboard and child attempted it using paper. It was a disaster, as obviously the paper couldn't hold up. Sigh. And the persistence to try and finish it despite that! Bahaha... But I suppose when they're 12, it will be a different problem and not just cardboard vs. paper problem. Aagh!

We've also told child to (after the meal) to reflect on how it feels before meal? Tired? Easier to feel frusterated? And then how do you feel after the meal? Much better? etc etc

Omg, I hope all this helps us in the long run. But I suppose if this isn't working for us, we would still do it, in hopes that it helps, because otherwise, it would be ... ahem, frustrating. Heh.

I did. My DS went through a period of rage and frustration related to justice/fairness (just about on a daily basis) and no matter the intervention employed it made no difference to the outcome. It was so bad at one point that he had counselling and still it made no difference. So eventually I let him have his meltdown without intervening, either he would go to his room or I would just listen. I often thought at the time that allowing him to vent his feelings this way reduced the meltdown time and he was far more settled and at peace with himself afterwards. He eventually grew/matured out of it at about 10 or 11 with no obvious ill effects.

BTW, he has become a very calm and rational teenager, to the point that I can't remember the last time he lost his temper or raised his voice, even when his sister tries to "push his buttons"!!!

At 10 or 11? Woohoo!

why don't you check out the Nurtured Heart approach? Lectures during a meltdown are not recommended. I feel for you since I have a highly emotional three year old that I hope is less sensitive at six.

Mine has been this way since birth. We've already had our first breakdown this morning. We usually have one in the morning an hour or so after breakfast and one in the afternoon around 3:00. It's interesting that there's a pattern to it. The new stimulus for the frustration is the Nintendo Dsi game he got for Christmas. He expects to master these games right away rather than play them for weeks at a time before moving up levels. Also, it's all he wants to do, so there's a meltdown every time I tell him he can't play his video game. I'm considering calling Santa and asking him what the heck he was thinking!

I get very frustrated with the meltdowns, so I suppose that it would make a difference if I could appear to be neutral and unemotional in the midst of them. I try really hard, but after a while I know my feelings are clear to him. He's very sensitive other people's feelings.

I'm really hoping that eventually he'll be calm and rational, Matmum! I can't imagine having to do this for 4 more years, but hopefully if I can let go of trying to control the outbursts it won't drive us all crazy. In between the meltdowns he's a pleasant, fun, and very insightful child to be around. We have great conversations and have a wonderful relationship. I just don't know how to get through to him when he breaks down. He's also started saying things like, "I hate my life," "I wish I were dead," "I don't like feeling this way," and, "I don't want to be alive anymore." I truly don't think he understands exactly what this means, but I know he feels deeply upset when he's in meltdown mode. It could be over something very minor, but he feels it deeply. I can remember having the same thoughts as a child because everything seemed crucial. I also had a hard time putting things in perspective and actually didn't learn that skill until adulthood and after experiencing lots of tragedy in a short amount of time. Obviously, I'm concerned about those statements he makes, but he later tells me he doesn't mean the things he says. As a mother, it's tough to hear though.

Anyone resort to medication to address these emotional outbursts? I'm very reluctant to use any kind of medication, but would it help him control himself?

Wow Jen! I just found this thread. I wish you could have seen the huge smile on my face when I read this! I am jumping up and down - cheering!

I really believe that this is the right approach for your family right now. All the second guessing is your own perfectionism, keeping you from moving ahead. Your sister is like this - it's not such a bad way to be, really!

Afterall, If you son is pleasant and happy 23 hours of the day, and freaking out in his room 1 hour a day - most people would trade places with him!

Love and More Love,
Grinity

And I think that he'll feel better too. It is a gift to accept people for how they are, even if you set your intention for things to be better in the future.

I'll tell you a funny story. All through elementary school, the school folks complained that DS was 'too emotional.' There was a 'we have to teach him now so that he can handle bigger challenges when he is older.'

Then he got to middle school and basically stayed the same, but now no one complained, because all the kids were the exact same way!

As DS put it: 'It's as though all my friends have PMS every day of the month, and that's just the boys. The girls are worse!'

Nice to finally have some company.
L&ML,
Grinity

Hi Jesse and Welcome!

That thought certianly strikes a cord with me, and I encourage you in all your efforts to do what wasn't done for you. I too, grew up like that, and set out to 'do a better job' in that department for my son.

Weirdly, what I'm seeing at age 13, is that in a way it might be even worse to have understanding, kind parents when these feelings hit, because at least you and I could blame and vow. My DS13 is just plain miserable at times, and is forced to pretend that DH and I are 'mean' or that he is 'just plain cranky.' Emotionally he just isn't ready to face that he can be 'just plain cranky.' So I really feel for him, trying to make up or magnify faults in DH and I that I'm sure he knows just aren't there.

You know, I think the truth is that for some kids, managing to OEs is just plain difficult. I've heard that 'how are kids going to learn to make good choices if they don't make bad choices?'

I think that going to one's room, so that the can melt down without disturbing anyone else is something to be proud of. I'm grateful when DH does this - I don't want to 'process' every bad mood with him!

I think that whatever we do, if we can confidently send the message that 'things are basically ok' then we are winning. All the teaching and anticipating works for some families but for others it just sends a message of 'what you are is so terrible that I have to 'manage' you all the time, and stay on alert.' You have to trust your mom-gut to figure out how things are in your house. I'm a big fan of 'quietly keeping the melting down child company' IF the parent can sincerely carry it off.

I'm mostly glad that we have a place where we can talk about these things - personally, I can't imagine bringing these up at the family gatherings!

Love and More Love,
Grinity

LOL!!!!!!!!! That's hilarious! I often feel that my ds6 is acting like a teen going through puberty...moody, meladramatic, and knows it all!



Great point! Thank you!

That was exactly what I felt during that period and yes it lasted about 4 years! In our case, and hopefully in yours, DS16 has never been through the dreaded teen years. When he did eventually "grow out of it", emotionally to me he seemed more like an eighteen year old. So I often think to myself those earlier years were his teenage years!

Hi Jen,
I have found with my DD8 that the only thing that works when she gets all worked up is to let her have time to herself in her room. Now, in our situation, my DD doesn't have daily or many-times-daily meltdowns. But when she does (admittedly only once every several weeks), there is no calming her down. She feels embarrassed by her behavior (usually just crying) but usually says she can't stop. She has done this since she was a baby and I've never been able to figure out a solution other than letting her get it out of her system. If she's not bothering anyone, I'll just let her cry it out where she is. If she is bothering others, we'll ask her to go to her room (which is usually followed by a sobbing "I can't!"). If she won't go to her room on her own power, we've carried her into her room and told her she can come out when she calms down. She virtually always calms down within ten minutes, occasionally longer, and every once in a while she'll fall asleep. All of these resolve the situation, but without her getting any positive feedback that would reinforce the outburst. Because we're gentle with her, she knows we love her. And, I truly believe, as she grows up, she will be better able to control her reactions to her emotions. So, I truly think you're on to something!

MNmom23,

You may find this interesting:
For the last 30 years I've been doing


This group of people and this practice has been wonderful at helping me deal with my own OEs.

But I will say, after getting to know my son, and getting comfortable with the idea of giftedness, and levels of giftedness, that perhaps there is an 'association/causation' misunderstanding in the basic observation of RC.

Perhaps it isn't that being permitted to cry makes you smarter, but rather that some of our little gifties cry lots and lots. OTOH, being allowed to speak freely in the presence of people who care has been tremendous for me.

Interesting though,
Grinity

That is interesting, Grinity. My mommy instinct (heart) tells me to help ds through his distress. My head (the part of me who's read every parenting book and behavior mod literature I can get my hands on) says don't give him attention or you'll reinforce the behavior. Ds asks me (once he's beginning to get control of himself) that he wishes I'd come in and comfort him and try to make him feel better because he can't make himself feel better on his own. I want to help, but I also want him to learn to handle difficulties and stress independently. Ds is really embracing the fact that he is "gifted" and asks lots of questions about it. He says he's glad he is gifted, even though sometimes it means he "over-reacts" (his words) when things don't go his way.

You are helping him when you send him to his room to 'have his time.' Perhaps in the future when you have more confidence, you'll be ready to 'just listen' but for now, you can show him that you believe in him by allowing him to do his thing on his own. He will be fine. You can't fake that kind of confidence, and there is no law that every parent has to 'be there' for every kind of experience. What about a parent who has tons of attention and tenderness for the meltdowns, but doesn't think it's fun to introduce the intellectual content? We all have our strenths and weaknesses, and we are all 'just right' for our kids.

Why am I saying this?
Clearly it worries you. Clearly it wears you out. Clearly you feel responsible. That last post about 'Isn't there some kind of medication to control this?'

You are a wonderful mom Jen. You are excused from that particular piece of the ideal mom puzzle. If you want to get there, I would reccomend, send him to his room, and deep breath to set your intention to - 'this is the way he is, and that is perfectly fine, and I am giving him chances to learn to deal with it, and that is perfectly fine.' When that becomes second nature, you might try the same thing sitting outside his door, and then in his room, and then holding his hand.

I know for sure that this is more than was ever done for you. There is no objective standard of what Moms are supposed to do - only that we give a bit more than we got. Make sense, yes?

Love and More Love,
Grinity

Thanks Grinity. And everyone for sharing. It has been very enlightening.

It often helps me to remember that the outburst is only for that moment. Even tho the outburst is very strong and intense, it is like a big wave. And after it has its moment, it will ebb. And the feeling will subside.

Next time, there may be another big wave, but it too will ebb.

I've tried describing that to my 6 yr old so child can know that the feelings will come and then they will go. It is only for a moment and not forever/constant. Because that's what I wished someone had told me o so long ago.

I agree with most of what all of you said. To accept them, that this is who they are. And so true, Grinity, if it is only 1 hour out of 24 hours that there is a meltdown, but have a happy kid for the other 23 hours -- that's great! Very good point.

Jen,
I get the Mommy Instinct thing, and I do think it is okay for you to go in and give him a hug. I do do this with my DD. But, I think it works out best once she has had some alone time to feel things and then calm down. Once she has calmed down, I go in and give her a hug. Sometimes I'll talk with her about her feelings or what exactly happened, IF I feel that bringing it up won't send her back into her crying. Other times I'll just hug her and not say anything really, just letting her know that I love her and that we're all ready to move on and forgive and forget. Hang in there!

I think another very important point that I hear Grinity making is to acknowledge that this isn't just your child's issue; it's yours too. That was very important for me, a Spock-like INTJ, when it came to dealing with my highly emotional and highly expressive DS5.

Realizing that my reaction to his outbursts--and it wasn't always the reaction I'd like to have!--was my own issue was something that helped me. If I got upset by his upset, it got worse for both of us. Better to send him to his room to handle it if my response was going to make it worse for him.

And while we need to be consistent about how we respond, I think, that doesn't mean that we always have to handle every outburst from our kids the same way. In my case, some days I can remain calm and hold him while he disintegrates, and some days I need to ask him to fall apart elsewhere. I just make sure that he knows that it's okay to cry (though not to scream) and that I love him.

He seems to be getting better as time goes on, so I feel like it's going okay...

Jesse, I can really relate to this with regards to my own childhood and teen years.

Grinity, thanks, as always, for your words of encouragement and understanding.

Ds and I talked this afternoon and he said he feels like his body takes over when he has a meltdown and says:
"I'm going to do a meltdown even though you told me not to, brain!" I told him it is ok to have a meltdown if that's what it takes to release his tension. He said he feels like a bomb that's going to explode. I told him it's ok as long as he goes to his room to calm down. Once he's calm I'm more than willing to talk to him. I think if he can let himself off the hook and believe that no one is mad at him about the meltdown, he'll get over it even faster. I truly believe he can't help it. With other issues, he's had no problem learning to control himself with consistent consequences and/or rewards. With this, nothing helps, and that's probably b/c he isn't able to control it. As it is, it usually lasts 5-10 minutes, and then he's a new man. It really is a release for him. He says his heart starts beating really fast and his head hurts, and he needs to get it out. I've been there, so I want him to know that I love him even if he loses control. I sure wish we could help him find a more constructive way to deal with his frustration and anger, but for now this is what he has to work with.

On a very positive note, today at 2:45, ds started running around the house acting wild and impulsive. I said, "you know, I see a meltdown coming. You tend to have one around 3:00 a lot of days." So, I asked if he wanted to sit down and have a snack together. We did, and he was great. He even said, "A lot of times, when I have a meltdown you give me food and I feel a lot better. Maybe I just need to eat before the meltdown starts." Well, there's an idea!!! LOL I try, but he's not one to tell me if he's hungry, and on many days 3:00 is a very hectic time. I'm going to make sure to have a snack on hand, even though I'm not sure that's really the trigger.

Thanks again for everyone's input. I think this turned out to be a great thread with lots of great insight and info.

Oh, you remind me of something I saw on some PBS parenting TV show long ago that helped me--it can be very scary for a child to be unable to get control. That can make them spin out further and further. Remembering that helps me to be more patient. It's a real learning process for them to figure out what their triggers are and how to get control back when it's gone. Many adults are bad at this, so I guess it's not surprising that a small child with OEs has trouble. Poor things!

A child unable to get control but trying to is a very different problem from one who is throwing a hissy fit to manipulate adults. I commend you for recognizing the difference.

Snacks and alone time are vital around here. My mom and I used to argue every single day after school. I wasn't allowed a snack because we ate an early dinner. I blame a lot of that arguing on hunger. We make food a priority, hungry or not. I feed everyone--including myself--every 3-4 hours, no matter what. And if someone gets cranky, sometimes a few minutes in a room alone really helps to hit the reset button. Even extroverts need a little quiet time sometimes!

Go Jen!
I'm so glad to hear about you and DS having this discussion. My guess is that taking yourself 'off the hook' has allowed you and him the space to talk about 'the elephant in the living room.' sounds like some great problem solving and insight on both of your parts.

I want to throw in a 'bonus caution' - it is so amazing that a 6 year old can have that kind of self insight. I used to get so confused after similar conversations that my DS couldn't always put his insights into practice. That asynchrony thing.

BTW - in my house, I would set an alarm on my cell phone for 2:40 to give myself a 10 minute warning that I 'really did' have to stop what I was doing and make a little snack each day. I love those cell phone 'extras.'

L&ML,
Grinity

I am not suggesting that he has this, but I know 2 books that might address some of the issues. One is the Explosive Child, and the other is the Bipolar Child.

Temper tantrums/rages COULD in some cases be signs of early onset bipolar.

Explosive Child explains why many of the techniques that work on other children do not work on one that is explosive by nature.

Heheh. I always have child have morning snack and afternoon snack. If we don't have snack, all hell breaks loose. Yes, really. And I know that you know exactly what I'm talking about. LOL

I don't have kids of my own that have been that age yet but have known 2 very bright 6 year olds that had meltdowns, and personally I don't think their parents handled it particularly well (one parent would actually poke the kid, and sort of make fun of them, which I thought really seemed disrespectful of the child). Anyways, both seemed to outgrow it or manage it by the time they were about 10. Doesn't mean fine tuning how to handle it isn't a great objective as maybe there is more that could be done... but if you are (as it sounds like you are) just generally respectful of him and make it clear no one is resenting him or his emotions, then you are probably aren't enhancing the meltdowns. His own desire to be in control plus plenty of time will probably work wonders.

Polly

I agree! and yes it does get better during the period of time it is happening. For me it was when I "let go" and allowed him to vent, so much more cathartic (in the emotional sense!) for both of us. From where I'm sitting I think you are on the right track.

Thanks for all the replies. This really was a great thread. For some reason, maybe because we've stayed very busy over the past couple of weeks, we've seen almost zero meltdowns! Dh and I keep saying, "Who are you, and what have you done with our son?" Ds laughs and says, "I just think it's easier to get things to go your way if you're nice. Otherwise, you'll think, well I was going to help you out, but since you acted that way, why should I?" Um, hello? Again, who is this new little person?

He starts a new school Tuesday, so my guess is we'll see more meltdowns with the change. But, we're really enjoying this little reprieve!

Oh, and as I think someone else mentioned, it's very interesting to know that your child has the insight to understand that the tantrums are not productive or helpful, yet he seems to be unable to control it despite this level of awareness.