Could there be things going on in the school environment that is impacting her in ways that even she is not aware of?
I played detective today while we were driving. I finally pulled out of her that she hates the classes where the kids don't behave. She gets very stressed by the kids who act out, talk back to the teacher, etc. Now I know why she always likes the stricter teachers - they keep a lid on the class.
I can totally understand this sentiment. At least for me, some of it is a sense of keen injustice - why do they get away with this and ruin it for rest of us? And for me, it made it harder for me to focus on what I considered important or collect my own thoughts on the subject.
If she is not allergic to animals, have you looked into things like horse back riding/stable work or working with dogs?
She works at the SPCA and does some dog training. She gets very upset when our dog doesn't behave in dog class. She wants the dog to be perfect! I watched her tonight during class - her body language indicated that the dog's mistakes just pained her (she was clenching her fists, twisting her body). Perfectionism at play via the dog!!!!
is it possible that for her, she feels like that the dog's mistakes is a reflection of her failures, rather than the dog itself is not is not cooperating at that time?
Can it be that there are just too many people around her daily that she appears to lack empathy because it is too overwhelming with too many people pulling her (even if it is just internal struggles) or too many changes on social/physical levels? You can not help others if you are too overwhelmed yourself.
I wonder about that. I will say that she has never shown sympathy towards anyone in the family, never mind empathy. I think I could break my leg, and DD would just worry if I would be able to drive her to school. My other DD is sweet about helping or concerned if I had a headache. This just bothers me. DH and I talked with one of the psychs. about spectrum possibilities, but that psych. didn't feel that was it.
Oddly, some of these things you say sort of reminds me of me - and I remember my mother used to lecture me that everything did not have to be so black and white or so absolute. I was extremely literal and extremely rigid (I still have some of that, but managed to learn to see more grey and gotten less rigid over time - or as a friend said a while ago, I have mellowed out some).
I would be curious as to how your DD would view things like "honor code" and stories such as the knights of King Arthur - and whether she would be sympathetic based for instance on grownups vs kids etc. Because I am pretty sure my mother would have said some similar things about me. I can remember having a protective streak towards younger kids and fighting back when some kids tried to bully me or my friend(s) on the middle school bus (which freaked the bullies out) and yet I definitely recall having a lack of concern over bigger/older kids or grownups - basically, I could not believe that they would actually feel pain or hurt like me because they were invincible in my mind and I attributed a level of stoicism to grownups that I know now is unrealistic. I am wondering if there is any similarity there... if she is more absolute than you, there could be some differences in your perspective vs hers.
(I remember my mother saying that she was so worried about how rigid and absolute I was as a child, and how hard it was for her to understand my way of thinking - due to the challenges I had, she was well aware that it has influences on me that she could not understand but she still had many frustrating moments because in some ways, our personalities were so different and our reactions to same things were basically opposite.)
