greenlotus, I don't have much advice and also don't want to ask anything here that's private for you and your dd. Some of what you wrote echos things we've experienced with one of our children, who's been through some trauma when she was extremely young. The need for perfectionism, need for others to follow "rules", seeming lack of empathy etc. I don't have any idea if any of that might apply to your dd, but only mention it in light of - those are big things to deal with, and they are also things that are somewhat easy for a high-ability child to somewhat cope with without help from others, so they can build up a world that where they feel like they are coping, yet it relies on a lot of things going one way and doesn't allow for much to flex, and when the world naturally doesn't align perfectly with that structure that makes a child feel secure - I hope that makes sense!
The second reason I mention it is just that things got a lot more emotional and difficult to deal with going through early puberty.
Sorry I don't have any specific advice about how to deal with things, I think you're already doing a wonderful job of trying to help your dd and trying to understand her. Hang in there!
polarbear
