I have spent the past few months holding the hand of a friend who has been dealing with school refusal. Yes she was referred to CPS multiple times, as well as truancy court. At 12 the child had to report to the local "prison" (I think it was actually a jail...) and was sent to a hospital program with extremely disturbed kids. She saw a girl attempt suicide in front of her there which made the whole situation so. much. worse.
So yes, Emma, school refusal is a very real thing. I am certain you have researched the living daylights out of it online.
There are programs out there specifically for school refusers. My DD's spec Ed school has a dedicated transition program just for school refusers. When my friend's daughter was not successful there she ended up in a therapeutic residential school that specializes in school refusers. Before giving up on it they tried several levels of services designed to get school refusers out of their homes and into the school. They also tried using a loved extracurricular activity - must be in school x hours on days you want to participate (using the same language as for sports). It worked for a while but eventually the anxiety won out and the child even stopped doing the loved extracurricular activity.
Don't believe anyone who tells you they haven't seen anything like this before and it is your fault. It is anxiety and needs to be treated as such. The wonderful psychologist my DD worked with for 3 years before being exited (she no longer qualifies for an anxiety diagnosis) specializes in "school phobia", the main reason I contacted her in the first place. All these resources exist for a reason - because this is a real issue that real families are struggling with. But a lot of people don't get that and a lot of districts (maybe all) will first blame the parents before agreeing to provide resources.
It's been years since I read up on this but as I recall you can find information under 'school refusal', 'school avoidance' and 'school phobia'. Much of the information available WILL blame the parents, especially the mother. Much talk about attachment disorders and the mother not really wanting the child to leave them to go to school. Keep an open mind as you read. This is the primer for what your ex or the school where your child is being unsuccessful will be telling CPS. My friend's spec Ed attorney advised her to welcome CPS, explain everything they have done to get the child to school and state very simply "we are being discriminated against because our child has a disability." CPS sided with them and it was the last hurdle to get the district to pay for the needed residential placement.
IF you can get homeschool or online school to work that is a great option while you work on the anxiety/LD/etc. It didn't work for my friend and I don't think it could have worked for my DD. When things were at their worst in the public (1st and 2nd grade) my pediatrician and my educational consultant were both pushing me to pull DD from school and get her hooked up with homebound tutoring. I knew in my gut if I did this it would become an insurmountable hurdle to get her back in school. I picked her up early 43 times the last few months of first grade with migraines, stomachaches, "tight chest", or other complaints but I kept making her go in. So it really depends on the child.
For my DD a supportive school environment providing the needed services made all the difference. It CAN get better. Hang in there.
