My DS12 has been having an increasingly difficult time with coping at school.

His school career started out really rough (anxiety) and got better shortly after being identified (grade 3). The increase in confidence really helped and he became very open to trying new things and had many friends.

Since the beginning of grade 6 it has been declining steadily. There have been few accommodations for his giftedness (a once a week pull out program) but he has been refusing my intervention on his behalf.

Last Spring it got decidedly worse. He started to be home "sick" more and more frequently. This school year, grade 7, has continued on the same and has escalated. I see that part of it is the curriculum (grade 6 dealt a lot with climate change, population overgrowth etc. - all very anxiety producing) and social issues have come up. Kids are increasingly competitive and are getting more into things that are scary to him - swearing, aggression, too much social media, teasing/bullying.

Just after Christmas I met with his teacher and the resource teacher and they are very open to changing up his curriculum to help the school motivation side of things. There has been a delay in getting things in place as the region coordinator has been away. The kid side is having more of an affect on him. Some things that happened on Wednesday really threw him and he was off yesterday and refused to go again today.

I'm really torn - I feel like there is a lot of pressure for him to go (you can't just not go and deal with things that are difficult). I don't want to enable him to run away from difficult things. Also there is a legal imperative for him to go.

On the other hand I can't drag him physically. I don't want to make him feel unsafe, un-cared for, unheard. I'm also sensitive/empathetic.

So torn!

So should I wait to see what accommodations we can come up with and how he might react to them and/or explore options like distributed learning that would allow him to work at home and avoid the social issues that diminish as kids mature?

If I do allow him to "withdraw" and learn at home via a distributed learning program so I push him to go next year? High school starts in grade 8 here. If he refuses and I setting him up to be a social recluse?

Taking a step back from all that - is it a big deal? Should I just facilitate his learning the way he needs to learn and trust that the social side will figure itself out?

In the past I haven't listened to my gut where school vs gut is concerned and I think it has turned out for the worse more than a few times.

Please - any advice is very welcome.

Does anyone else do Distributed Learning? How have you dealt with school avoidance?

PS Distributed Learning here allows a child to work online with support and supervision from a teacher.
PPS I work from home so this wouldn't be a hardship for me.

Thanks for your response Portia.

You have an excellent point - start with asking him what the best solution would be.

We've talked quite a bit, over the last few years especially, about what he needs/wants at school. It has only be recently that he has been able to articulate a few things. I think not wanting to stand out has stopped him from wanting me to ask for anything different. I think he is so unhappy now that he's open to trying something new.

He has been a very motivated and conscientious student until recently so I feel confident that he'll put the work in if we switch things up for him - through a changed curriculum or through Distributed Learning but you're right, it's a very good idea to make that absolutely clear, especially if we move to Distributed Learning.

When he is out of school he is on fire with curiosity and I would even say joy. It could be the ability to control what he learns and it could also be removing him from his peers and the social issues he's dealing with. I have a feeling that removing the social and allowing him to work at his own pace (even if the curriculum isn't materially changed) will renew his energy for school.

I guess it comes down to the harm that could come from allowing him to withdraw from the social scene (vs the benefit).

On the other side of the coin - how much the joy of an adapted curriculum will offset the social issues.

I think once he's regained his joy/balance he'll have more energy to continue exploring things in more social settings ie camps, extra curricular classes.

I think Portia has a great suggestion. The more I think about your situation, the more I wonder what, if any, the benefits of keeping him at the "bricks and mortar" school have at this stage in his life. It doesn't sound like he's getting the right educational challenge, there are peer issues, it's taking a lot of emotional energy (that could go into the joy of learning) just to get through the school day. There are so many people home schooling now for just those reasons. The benefit side of keeping him in that school seem so small vs. the downside.

If you supplement with other ways for him to be socializing, it sounds like you might have a win/win situation with pulling him out for distributed learning.

I agree with asking what he wants and what he thinks will work for him. We had the same situation as you with one of our sons. He'd been depressed about school since about 4th grade, but the elementary school made some amazing accommodations for him. But middle school wouldn't do anything, even though he had the school's highest MAP tests ever. We met with the administration and they tried to differentiate, but this was a very successful charter school and they had their ways that worked, and wanted him to adjust instead of the other way around.

I finally pulled him out at xmas break of that year and homeschooled. I set up some teacher/tutors, plus some good online classes. He did an entire year of 7th grade science in about 3 weeks. He had been yearning to just go at his own pace for so long!

In the meantime, I looked around for schools that would work for him. We wanted him at a b & m school by 8th grade so he'd have a year of practice before high school. I found a great school, he skipped a grade (he had been approved, but we didn't skip him earlier) and he entered 8th the next year. He was anxious to go back to school because he was lonely. He didn't find best friends that year, but now in 9th (same school) he has a big group of friends.

I didn't realize until I pulled my son out of school how depressed he was about the b & m school. As soon as we told him he was going to homeschool, our happy, funny boy came back. We're so glad we were able to make that choice for him. Hope you have similar success.

ConnectingDots - when you put it like that it is so obvious. It is seeming like the best option.

syoblrig - I love to hear how your son became his happy self again when homeschooled AND that he was able to work ahead. Even with a day home I see that happening in my son. He spent a few hours joyfully learning about geography online and mastering States, capitals, countries around the world. This is sounding like the right path.

EmmaL - I hope you find a solution! Is it possible for you to do a distributed learning option?

spaghetti - You're right it is artificial. Adults often don't have a choice either (in the workplace at least). You're also right that being miserable isn't a great setting for learning how to cope.

We meet in two days to discuss accommodations. I hope it goes well. If not at least there are other options.

I'll write a follow up and let you know how it goes.

Thanks for all your comments!

Update - I met with the teacher, principal and gifted coordinator and discussed the possible accommodations for him in the classroom.

They are:
- math - allowed to work ahead - either following the curriculum or in a more big problem kind of way
- science - hands on science projects are about to start for the class which should be much more engaging for him
- social studies - also about to get more hands on - choosing an ancient civilization to focus on and writing a report
- english - writing the report for social studies - he could write an historical fiction story instead

He would also be allowed to do something fun/engaging for the first 10 minutes of class at the beginning of the day and after lunch.

He was coming down with something when I filled him in on the changes so I can't tell if he's underwhelmed or just sick. In any case he's home again for the day.

I'm not sure if I'm underwhelmed. Torn because I'm not sure what I would ask for in an ideal world and also, what are they able to actually do within the parameters of a normal class situation.

frown Help. Can't think clearly about this and the stress of feeling like a crappy mom who can't get her kid to school and a neglectful mom who can't fix this situation is really bringing me down.

Oh my EmmaL! You are facing a tougher situation than I seem to be - time will tell.

I completely understand all your fears.

It is a shame that they are harassing you but maybe good to know that they're there to help protect children in general.

What did the pediatrician offer?

Is it possible for your DS11 to do Distributed Learning? That might solve the problem. There seem to be some out there that allow the child's needs to lead the program rather than the curriculum. Do you have that option in your area?

I have spent the past few months holding the hand of a friend who has been dealing with school refusal. Yes she was referred to CPS multiple times, as well as truancy court. At 12 the child had to report to the local "prison" (I think it was actually a jail...) and was sent to a hospital program with extremely disturbed kids. She saw a girl attempt suicide in front of her there which made the whole situation so. much. worse.

So yes, Emma, school refusal is a very real thing. I am certain you have researched the living daylights out of it online.

There are programs out there specifically for school refusers. My DD's spec Ed school has a dedicated transition program just for school refusers. When my friend's daughter was not successful there she ended up in a therapeutic residential school that specializes in school refusers. Before giving up on it they tried several levels of services designed to get school refusers out of their homes and into the school. They also tried using a loved extracurricular activity - must be in school x hours on days you want to participate (using the same language as for sports). It worked for a while but eventually the anxiety won out and the child even stopped doing the loved extracurricular activity.

Don't believe anyone who tells you they haven't seen anything like this before and it is your fault. It is anxiety and needs to be treated as such. The wonderful psychologist my DD worked with for 3 years before being exited (she no longer qualifies for an anxiety diagnosis) specializes in "school phobia", the main reason I contacted her in the first place. All these resources exist for a reason - because this is a real issue that real families are struggling with. But a lot of people don't get that and a lot of districts (maybe all) will first blame the parents before agreeing to provide resources.

It's been years since I read up on this but as I recall you can find information under 'school refusal', 'school avoidance' and 'school phobia'. Much of the information available WILL blame the parents, especially the mother. Much talk about attachment disorders and the mother not really wanting the child to leave them to go to school. Keep an open mind as you read. This is the primer for what your ex or the school where your child is being unsuccessful will be telling CPS. My friend's spec Ed attorney advised her to welcome CPS, explain everything they have done to get the child to school and state very simply "we are being discriminated against because our child has a disability." CPS sided with them and it was the last hurdle to get the district to pay for the needed residential placement.

IF you can get homeschool or online school to work that is a great option while you work on the anxiety/LD/etc. It didn't work for my friend and I don't think it could have worked for my DD. When things were at their worst in the public (1st and 2nd grade) my pediatrician and my educational consultant were both pushing me to pull DD from school and get her hooked up with homebound tutoring. I knew in my gut if I did this it would become an insurmountable hurdle to get her back in school. I picked her up early 43 times the last few months of first grade with migraines, stomachaches, "tight chest", or other complaints but I kept making her go in. So it really depends on the child.

For my DD a supportive school environment providing the needed services made all the difference. It CAN get better. Hang in there.

I think I recommended Mary Wimmer's book on one of the other threads:
http://www.amazon.com/Evidence-based-Practices-School-Refusal-Truancy/dp/B00JNKZ4EK/

Calling it a school phobia makes it sound irrational. Half the adults I know wouldn't go back to school if they were paid.

So far it doesn't feel like a huge insurmountable thing. Just a bump that needs working out. Fortunately the school is on board. DS is sick again - legitimately - so he hasn't been able to give the new changes a go yet. I'm very interested to see how it will help.

The next bump/obstacle/event is which high school. One extremely close to us or one, with a really cool program a 30 minute drive plus rush hour traffic. Need to get into the cool one first. We'll see how that goes.

Anyone have any experience with the high school transition coupled with the school avoidance issue? Kind of bad timing - or good maybe. Time for a change.

EmmaL, that's just awful. You should notify the powers that be in the district if they really are treating you like that. I know schools can be bad, but it's one thing to say "well you need to get your son to school and we don't want to help", but quite another to be commenting on your actions/success as a parent. If it's a child welfare issue, notify CPS. Otherwise, refrain from personal commentary.

Not being able to recognise you as parent doesn't mean it is OK to be rude or voice personal opinions. It wouldn't help your son much but any chance your ex could have the reslonsibility of getting him to school for a few months? Also is distributed learning an all or nothing deal?

So DS tried the changes and is still unhappy. We took a few weeks to try homeschooling and it is awesome but DS is waffling about what he wants to do. School offered part time attendance for him as long as it was regular and the subjects divided between us. He can't commit to that but is very reluctant to make any decisions. I know the final decision rests with me but the last thing I need is a full time miserable almost teen. Sigh. He learns really well independently and has been really happy. I'm not sure what his reservations stem from. That said, I've immersed myself in forums and literature about homeschooling gifted kids and I still occasionally have fears/reservations.

Have you tried getting taking him to a psychologist for some outside counseling dealing. My son did some therapy in 6th & 7th grade for social & anxiety reasons, and is now seeing someone different in H.S. and it has really helped. Being a pre-teen is hard for most kids, adding being gifted on top of things can make things even harder.

I have tried but he won't go. Did you have any problem convincing yours to go? I think it would help.
So frustrating. I imagine it is frustrating for him too. Big change. I think I need to read more about homeschooling to get my head around it. I started out very open but it seems he wants structure. But now that I have structure he's annoyed by it.

My DD11 won't go to counseling either - she would only talk to me. I ended up seeing the psychologist myself to get advice on what to say - I make a terrible psychologist, but with some coaching I think I am able to be somewhat helpful. Still - not the same as seeing someone experienced in CBT. :-(

Best wishes with the homeschooling - it must be hard work - I'm sure you'll both get the hang of it!

Well, here we are again. Back to school - starting high school. Got him into an excellent program at a different high school (half an hour away). He has gone a few days this week but is asking to be transferred to the local high school. Today he has gym first thing and he was refusing to go (that and science). He asked again to be transferred. I explained that he will have gym and science at the other school if he transfers. He said he'd rather go straight to Distributed Learning then.

Sooooo sad! This program is an amazing program that would be perfect for him - project based learning, a small group within a larger school (which is still small). Caring community, awesome, flexible, interested teachers.

He won't see a counselor for help. He's going to miss out on this and who knows what his path will be.

Help please!

Gym class can be it's own brand of torture...
- There's the student's performance in the sport or skill,
- There's being picked (or not) for teams,
- There's locker room comparisons and comments on physical characteristics,
- Hopefully there's no one taking photos in the locker room.

You may want to see if you can help him pinpoint the thing(s) which are are anxiety triggers. Possibly reviewing his day with him, walking through his day at home and learning what transpired and how he felt at each point?

Adding a link to the related on counselors as there is fluid conversation between these two threads.

I understand gym but why is science a problem. At this point I might tie distributed learning with seeing a counsellor. He has to show he is willing to make an effort too. Maybe you could say 6 sessions and then reassess.

Thank you for your comments Indigo and Puffin.

The gym teacher seems amazing and has stressed that marks are on participation and cooperation not skill in the sport taking the pressure off and focusing on fun and learning.
I think it was just an unknown that made him worried. The program he is in is separate from the rest of the school he's in. There are 3 classes that happen with the general school population. He was concerned that he might be singled out or bullied if recognized as being one of them.

The class seemed to go well so that might be a hurdle crossed.

Science contains topics like world disasters and climate change and existential particle theory. Not comfortable topics for him.

I try to talk through what bothers him but it's almost as if he doesn't know himself. Or he's blocking me and doesn't want to talk about it.

Puffin I like your suggestion about insisting on counseling if we go ahead with DL. Though honestly my insisting hasn't resulted in any success so far. Perhaps a limited number of sessions would help.

I'm trying to get a referral to a counselor early this week and will hopefully be meeting with him myself soon. Perhaps he can walk me through steps I can do with my DS if/until I can get him on board.

So now I'm at the point of what if he refuses to go? I imagine there's just no way around the constant back and forth of you should/you have to/ why? etc.

Anyone else go through this?

tillamook, have you tried just making the decision that he'll go, telling him it's your decision as his parent, and he has to do it? If you feel counseling is something he needs, I'd make the decision for him. We've been in stalemates similar to this with our kids between the ages of 12-15ish, when they are mature enough to know themselves well and have strong opinions, particularly with respect to things that dealt with dealing with their 2nd e's. When we get in a situation like this, where we just aren't going to be able to convince our child through a logical basis that they need to do what we feel they need to do, we tell them it's our decision and they don't have a choice in it. You don't have to make it into "go to counseling forever" - you could choose to require that he go to see a counselor for x # of times or weeks or months or whatever, then let him know the option is open to continuing or dropping it, based on what he wants to do then.

Sometimes, my kids who fought so hard against doing whatever it was we made them do, felt relieved just a bit when we made the decision for them. More often than not (but definitely not always), they were glad that we made them go through with what we'd decided they needed to do. The key was, we weren't making a huge number of demands and decisions for them, they were given a lot of choice in things that were ok for them to choose, and we spend a lot of time listening to their opinions, and we value their opinions. We even valued their opinions (and let them know that) when we made a decision for them that they didn't want to agree to. We saved those types of decisions for the things we *really* needed them to do - and counseling in this situation would be one of those things.

Best wishes,

polarbear

But you will need the right counsellor. Going to them a few times yourself to explain your son and assess the counsellor may be wise. I understand about science now. I have never been graded for PE and think it a bit odd but if they grade for participation only isn't that a bit unfair on the kids whose only strong subject is PE? We wouldn't think grades based on participation in maths were fair. Or is it just the kids from his programme who are graded this way?

Tillamook, I'm chiming in not because I have answers but because we have a similar experience with DS17. His anxiety and socially-prescribed perfectionism make it exceedingly difficult to do anything that will be assessed at school, though he does like going to school. He avoids the chaos (eats lunch in a practice room and takes the least-populated route between classes), will sometimes avoid (ditch) a class and a teacher if he can't bring himself to turn in an assignment. In three years of high school, he has turned in 10% of written work.

He took an online course this summer, but of course one still has to be assessed. There was also an online discussion board, and he couldn't post until he was sure that everyone else had finished the course and wouldn't see his posts. He never read the teacher comments on the assignments he turned in...in the last two weeks of the course.

After many suggestions from people at school, and knowing that some of his friends see counselors, he was finally able to go to counseling last year. We told him if he didn't like it after four sessions, we would re-evaluate, probably to find a new counselor. He continued for several months, took a break over the summer, and we are considering next steps now.

After much hesitation on his dad's and my part, he now also takes medication. As his social worker puts it, "he's more DS now." The anxiety no longer makes him curl up like a prickly hedgehog; he just prickles

It was hard to get him to see a counselor. He still won't see tutors for anything, and he needs one for writing. But he's 8" taller than I am and 30lbs heavier, so I can't force him.

He also now has an IEP for the anxiety. Much of what makes him anxious is, unfortunately, part of the landscape of school. We offered one-on-one school, smaller private school, homeschool, to avoid the triggers, but he likes going to his school. He just wishes it had half as many students and no grading.

All this is to say, if you can figure out what is causing your son's anxiety, you can begin to work with the school and talk with a counselor or cognitive behavior therapist. It may be something that will still exist with distributed learning, but you may have ways to deal with it.

Haven't read the whole thread. But science was an issue at this age for my DS, because it was health. 'Science' teacher thought the kids should write affirmations everyday and share personal stuff with her. Did NOT go over well.

I recommend a therapist or a counselor. It really helped my S17 at this age. The trick is finding someone good.

Hi Polarbear,
I like your idea of making it my decision and therefore it will be accepted. I'm not sure if it's the degree of anxiety we're dealing with but I haven't had success with that so far. My lack of success might have something to do with not wanting to force him and that ever present challenge of reaching the power wall. Once they say their absolute no and you can't do anything about it you're at a new stage.

Fortunately this DS sometimes responds to persistent, rational discussion on the topic. We'll see.

Actually I want to report a happy complete turnaround of the situation! Joy joy joy!

Last week DS hit a turning point and it has been good to great since then. I think the initial concerns/worries have been resolved and now he feels as though he fits in and is excited about the program. I would go on about the details but I want to be mindful of some small amount of privacy for him.

Yay! I know there will be bumps as anxiety has been part of his life, off and on since preschool. There will likely be other obstacles that will/may require the support of a counselor.

It does feel that he may be stronger from having faced this and come out okay. I guess we all go through milestones like this.

Thank you everyone for your comments/suggestions and support.

Hi NotherBen,
Thanks for sharing your story. How wonderful that you were able to persuade your DS to see a counselor. Also wonderful that he enjoys his school (despite his anxiety). It's hard to watch them go through all this isn't it?

I completely get the 8" taller and 30lbs heavier thing. We're way past the stage of being able to tuck them under our arms and taking them where we want them to go.

I have a pretty good read on what causes his anxiety - or what he lets me know anyway. It seems like he's turned a corner (see my other post) which helps with the school topics he is uncomfortable with. The teachers have been very good about taking his issues into account - so far. I imagine there's only so much they can do. I guess we'll deal with each of those as they come up.

So lucky to have this board to "talk" to. Thanks again for your comments and support.

Haven't read the whole thread. I did get my DS17 (12th grade) to go to a counselor for anxiety at two different times. (6th & part of 7th) and then (end of 9th - 11th grade.) Two different physiologists. I basically didn't give him an option when he was in 6th grade. Anxiety got so bad at school in 6th he was having panic attacks and throwing fits in class. (In our districts top honors program, it was really throwing a teacher who usually had very compliant kids.) These are the kids I just found out 90% of them won National Merit Semi-Finalists. And a few of them win national math comps. The class was super competitive, huge piles of homework, with EF expectations he doesn't need now in H.S. If I had to do it over I wouldn't have had him in that class. One kid we knew started having migraines from the class & he was eventually pulled out in 7th to be home schooled until they got him in a more relaxed school environment.

I really didn't give him a choice of going to the psychologist and honestly he was so miserable that he didn't fight it. (I think if I had let it go much older I would have had difficulty.) I don't know what I did to get him to comply. I think the trick was I lucked into finding someone he clicked with both times. And I was open minded about the idea it might not work. And what we found was it did help up to a point. During the end of 6th he saw the school counselor (school insisted), his private psychologist (cover by insurance) and I put in a group social skills group designed for kids with ADHD and/or ASP. (There was at least one other gifted kid as well.) He has since been diagnosed as having neither, although the psychologist doing the assessment does say he has some ASP characteristics. The only part he fought was the group therapy but I actually think the group therapy helped more than the private after the few few months.

Initially the therapy helped a lot. The psychologist help him learn how to handle his anxiety, learn how to recognize he was starting a panic attack. And get some perspective on the situation. Skills I just didn't know the best way to teach him. But it stopped being helpful and we took a break and never came back. But this therapist was very impressed how well he understood the concepts and said he could work with him like he would an older teenager because he was a gifted kid.

Things seemed to get better for a while, 8th grade went well, he was happier and did well in school. But when they slipped again in the end of freshman year, I got referred to a psychologist who specialized in gifted teenagers. Took a bit of convincing to get him to go but she managed to get him to talk. (Until the past few years he has taken a long time to warm up to adults.) And she has been very helpful as well. Since he was a teenage I've made sure he WANTED to go and he found it helpful. I think he really liked having an adult that wasn't mom or dad to talk to. We did consider drugs for a while in H.S. but I'm now glad he has managed without.

That said.. things that also helped. Finding a camp where he could decompress and find "his" people every summer. Band/marching band has been a good home for him. He really does well being in a group situation where his role is very well defined. Easing off on the pressure at school but not enrolling him in all of the hardest classes. For him that means AP classes in math/science, not for humanities, and lots of band and a 'light' course load.

As I posted last year. DS17 is a different child than he was in junior high. His pediatrician, and teachers and other adults who have known him for years have noted how well he has been doing these days. I don't know how much it has to do with working with a physiologist, or partially just age. But I know it hasn't hurt. He has been doing well in school this year, which is a good thing as I'm very busy this year and am not keeping an eye on him as much as I have in the past.

Not sure what i would do in your situation. But the 2nd half of 6th grade my son did miss a fair amount of class. I would get a class he'd have an anxiety attack, and I'd just calmly pick him up from school and let him decompress and not make a big deal of it. We started counting down the days till junior high & a new school. His teacher forgave him for a lot of homework. We just sat down and took a look at the homework load, decided since it was all WAY above grade level that it didn't matter in the long range view, and cut him way back. As this is fall of a new school year, I probably would have tried switching his class or moving schools.

I would have done a few things a bit different in hindsight. Wish I had gotten his assessed in junior high instead of end of 9th. Bad 9th grade grades are effecting where he is applying to university. I should have believed myself rather than the 8th grade humanities teacher & not put in him all honors in H.S. And probably shouldn't have put him in this gifted class, it was just there wasn't really a better place.

I couldn't have home schooled him. I just personally couldn't have done it. And while I did look at alternative school options nothing seemed right. (A new school has opened that would have been perfect.) And because he had his heart set on marching band, he wouldn't entertain other H.S. options. But in junior high I did respect that he is an introvert and realized that school was enough social interaction for him and let him come home after school and decompress. There are things he has been stubborn about. I think because seeing the psychologist helped in 6th grade he was more willing to give it a try in H.S.

P.S. I meant to post this in "Anxiety - won't see a counselor".