Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy Anxiety - won't see a counselor

What do you do when your child won't see a counselor but can't deal with school? Are you enabling them if you accommodate by keeping them at home for Distributed Learning or unschooling?

DS is 13. Last year was rough. This year, new high school (excellent program - perfect for gifted kids - rigorous, project based learning, fun, high tech, field trips etc.) but can't deal with it.

So disheartened.

Thank you for your comment Portia.

That sounds like great advice.

What kind of techniques did your counselor use - if I may ask?

Yes, it is more difficult when they're older and just flat out say no. His comment is why would I talk to a stranger about my problems.

Also, when he's feeling anxious/threatened he becomes defiant. He's usually a fairly sunny cooperative person. Natural I suppose. If I felt threatened or forced to do something that made me feel unsafe I would be defiant too.

So, allowing him to pull back and focus on learning instead of also having to deal with all the other things that freak him out might be a good first step.

Has anyone else been through this?

I have not been through this, so take this idea with a grain of salt or two.

Has he ever been to a counselor? I wonder if you called a reputable practice and explained the situation (including his refusing to go see a counselor), if they would have advice for you. I am guessing that it is not unheard of for someone to not want to go...

As for talking to him about going, does he understand that his approach (anxiety driven) is going to continue to keep him from doing things he might otherwise absolutely love until he learns some new techniques for managing it (i.e. what the stranger knows and can help him know too)?

Hi Connecting Dots. Thanks for your comment.

I've actually just made an appointment with our doctor to get a referral to a local anxiety counselor that I've heard is really good with this issue. I will see him myself and see what I can do with his guidance and hopefully try to get my DS to go.

He, my DS, isn't really rational when it comes to this topic. There is too much emotion behind it so he doesn't seem to think clearly about it.

Great ideas above.

However, personally I'd rephrase that as he won't see a counselor... yet. I'd accept that for now and validate his concerns about talking to a stranger, while also providing him with feedback that the option is open, and when he feels the time is right, he could help pick a counselor which seems like a comfortable "fit".

Meanwhile, might a book be of help... if he reads and sees himself in some of scenarios (but not others), possibly he may begin to discuss this with you, giving you the opportunity to help where you can (and suggest an expert where you cannot).

My guess (and this is just a guess) is that he is compensating for something, and unable to keep compensating well and at the same time keep up with the barrage of new information and stimulus around him in the school setting.

Kids can max out their ability to compensate around this age. It is not their fault (it is just a matter of the brain they were born with) and they may need to learn new tips and strategies for making the brain work for them in various situations.

Has he been tested for 2e and/or have you had reason to suspect there may be a second exceptionality? If you are uncertain what to look for, there are checklists to peruse.

You might take a look at some of the books published by APA's Magination Press, such as these on mindfulness, targeted at children and adolescents:

http://www.apa.org/pubs/magination/browse.aspx?query=subject:Mindfulness

Or this one on anxiety:

http://www.apa.org/pubs/magination/441B032.aspx

I haven't read all of them, but historically, their books have been well-written, with at least some useful elements.

I would affirm Portia's comment that addressing the anxiety generally comes first. Until he is emotionally available for learning, it won't matter how fabulous the school program is.

FWIW, one of my highly anxious children has her anxiety ramp up when she's hungry - she doesn't always realize the connection, but we kept a journal/diary for awhile where we recorded when she had meltdowns or ramp-ups in anxiety, what had happened or what she was doing when the meltdown started and just before, where she was, etc to look for patterns, and there was a clear pattern of increased inability to deal with stress/anxiety when she hadn't eaten for 3-4 hours. If we give her a small snack with a little bit of protein (granola bars or cheese etc) she is able to calm down and then able to deal with whatever is stressing her.

polarbear

re not seeing a counselor - each of my children deals with some type of anxiety, some have been to see a counselor and it helped in some cases, didn't help in others. None of them really ever want to see a counselor, and the older they get the more difficult it is to get them to agree seeing a counselor would be worthwhile.

My 2e kids have anxious personalities in that they *react* to stress with anxiety - for each of them, it's been key to get the 2nd e diagnosed and remediated/accommodated - doing that eliminated essentially all of my ds' anxiety, and it only ramps up now when his 2e challenge gets in his way. He has seen counselors at a few points in the past to help him learn how to "muddle through" (his neuropsych's phrase for dealing with situations where he's bound to have to face his 2nd e) and also for help with anxiety in social situations. The "muddle through" counseling didn't work out all that well but I suspect it was due to a combination of his age (he was around 8) and the fit with the counselor. Later counseling for social anxiety worked well - it wasn't extended in terms of time (i.e. didn't last more than a few months each time), and he was older, and more able to readily see the goals and benefit. He didn't necessarily want to do it or like it, but he did see on some level that it would help him. And now that I'm writing about it, I remember that our ds actually saw a counselor briefly a 4th time, when he was only 6, before he was diagnosed with his 2nd e. That counseling didn't seem to help, and mostly just created a period of time in which we weren't looking for direct answers that would have been much more helpful (his diagnosis).

We've had less success with my 2e dd, but her 2e challenge is less straightforward, and she has co-existing anxiety from previous trauma, so her situation is a bit more complicated. It definitely *has* helped decrease her anxiety, however, to identify and address her 2nd e.

My other dd is also an anxious personality - her anxiety isn't related at all to an LD or other challenge, instead I suspect it's related to past trauma. I've offered to let her see a counselor to talk through her anxieties, which seem to be over-the-top (she worries about almost everything), but she doesn't want to talk to a "stranger" about "personal things". She's also shy around adults and doesn't open up easily (she's the total opposite with peers). So it's a bit of a catch-22 in that her worries prevent her from the opportunity of talking through her worries with someone who might be able to help her deal with them.

So that probably all sounds a bit doom-and-gloomy, but it's not. First thing - if there's any possible suspicion of issues at school or an LD or attempting to compensate etc that might lead to secondary anxiety, getting a thorough evaluation and identifying the cause of the anxiety will be extremely helpful.

Second thing - we've found books, as aeh suggested, really helpful for our kids. We can work through the books together or for my older kids I can give them the books and just check in with them from time to time. Sometimes we pick and choose specific chapters or sections if something specific to that would help with an immediate problem. I'm not at home at the moment, so I don't have the names of the books we've used with me, but I can try to find the names for you this weekend if you're interested.

Re your original question -


I think this is a question that is completely dependent on the child and their situation - what is the root cause of their anxiety. I agree with the poster above who mentioned, if you don't deal with anxiety, your child isn't going to be benefiting fully from their schooling, but also would add, it may be an issue that's impacting schooling that is creating the anxiety. Maybe pulling out of school for a little while is best, maybe *not* pulling out is best - it really depends on what is going on with any one child.

Is there any way she can go to school part time. I know a kid with anxiety who did part health school and part high school. This wouldn't usually be allowed in NZ but the anxiety diagnosis made it possible.

Thanks for comments Indigo. That's a great idea - won't see a counselor yet. I've made an appointment w the family doctor to get referred to the local anxiety counselor. That's a mouthful. I'm going to try to see him on my own if/until I can get my DS to go. Perhaps they can walk me through some questions/steps to help him through this stage.

A book might help too. I've read a lot but he wasn't interested before. Perhaps I'll try that. I also have an app called Mindshift that has a lot of resources for anxiety. I got it with him in mind but haven't shown it to him yet. I was hoping the fall would be smooth(er).

I haven't seen any evidence of any 2e issues but good suggestion. He's strong academically and doesn't seem bothered in busy surroundings. My other son used to be more like that and with attention issues.

I think it's social anxiety with bouts of wonderful social confidence. It's odd.

Hi Portia,

Great points! I should get him out and exhaust him. I'm sure that would help.

I also like the idea of trying to narrow down what exactly it is that bothers him. He's not very forthcoming so I'll have to work at it.

As for protein he eats almost constantly but I haven't been paying attention to protein vs carbs when it comes to snacks. Hmmm. I wish he liked almonds because those would be perfect.

You've all be wonderful - thank you for your help!