Great post, brilliantcp. Yes, all of that.
The point I was trying to make, Bostonian, is that if someone had gone through all the stduents at DD's school (identified by number only, let us say) and taken students with the highest math GPAs and standardized test scores to nominate for math club or team, my daughter would surely have been on that list. (I don't know how she would have done on math contest try-outs, but let's leave that aside for now.) But she would never have considered joining the club (I did ask her when the letter came home, as it did to all students). It is mostly boys and she does not consider it her venue or her thing. She had already had the experience of feeling outnumbered, socially alone and ignored at chess club. Mind you, I think the worst part was feeling socially alone--you do want to have friends at your afterschool activities.
polarbear, my son had a hard time at chess club sometimes last year because he was a kindergartener who was quite good at chess, and that really did not sit well with the older boys. A few kids called him "Kindergarten" in a not-nice way. He stuck it out because he loves chess and probably recognized some of this as sour grapes. This type of atmosphere is also not fun for many girls, who have been socialized to not be into this (or are just not into it...whatever).
