The other day, he thought he broke his sister's keyboard ... He entered then in a despaired behavior crying, yelling he is mentally insane. All he wanted was sleeping, to forget what he did. I was the first to try to see what happened. He refused to tell me what happened, I just cannot help him from crying, yelling. I tried to take him in my arms just to let him go down. It did not work. He wanted his mother... He just calmed down when after talking with his mother who finally know what happened, she told me what happened and I told her that nothing was indeed broken (although he could think it was).
Anotherday, I insisted on having an answer. I asked him what is the point, I told him that he gets everyone sad, that he's also doing harm to himself and it is not a constructive attitude. He got to the point to cry and scream several times that he is a big bastard ("con" in French). He seems then unstoppable. I just took him in my arms to confort him. I just wanted him to understand not make him cry ...
I'm just really struck by the signs of remorse he shows. In my experience, kids who chose to have tantrums to manipulate others do not show remorse for them. (My parents fostered a teenager with psychopathic tendencies - he often had calculated tantrums which stopped instantly if my parents did what he wanted, and he never acted remorseful about them.) In contrast, kids who really can't control themselves sometimes try to pretend they don't feel remorse, but deep down their guilt over their behaviour is harming their self-esteem, so many of these kids will turn around and say horrible things about themselves.
So I think his guilt and insulting himself over his misbehaviour is a pretty clear sign that he isn't choosing to do this - or at least not 'freely choosing'. (Sometimes a meltdown is the best choice available to a child with poor coping skills.)
