Well once again, a lot of very interesting thoughts on that forum ...
First, quite a long time ago, grinity on that forum told me about "the transforming the difficult child workbook" which I bought and tried to follow but at that time we were so much in despair ragarding his school abilities that I focused in trying to solve them ... This is now partly done.
So, I grabbed back this book from its shelve and start reading it again. It more or less decribe what many of you propose me. First, reading that book makes me feel like a "bad" father but I stepped over this. I will try to follow the advice from this book and see.
But, why did he turn us that nuts, why is he so negative ? It is an enigma to me.
By the way, I told DW to be also positive with him to encourage him. She refused ... I do not blame her. It so hard. Sometimes (like this morning) I just want to quit all this.
Cammon you are right: the more we are upset, the more he is defiant doing exactly the things to get the more nuts as possible. Often, he said that he will not do anything for a yelling dumb (I guess he talks about myself then :))
Hello my Dear Friends,
Good for you Raoulpetite, for stepping over your bad feelings and being willing to try something new! Very Brave and Courageous.
As for 'why does he do it?' - it is because he gets emotional connection with you in a intense enough way when he 'drives you crazy.' He needs this emotional connection the way he needs air and food and water, because the world is a very scary place to a child who is gifted and sees more of the world then he is emotionally ready to handle.
So please keep trying. Recognize yourself for the greatness of trying something new and uncomfortable. We gifted people are famous for only liking to do what we do well, so give yourself extra points for doing something you are a beginner at. Also use your words of praise on your wife for all the many, many efforts she makes for your family.
A little hint about compliments. In the beginging, it maybe too much for you, your wife and your son to say 'That's great.' In the beginning I recommend to just narrate what you see. Them knowing that you have their attention will fill their souls with warmth.
Try during a time that things are not so very bad.
If my child says, 'I hate you.' I say - I love that you feel safe enough with me to tell my your thoughts.
If my wife or husband says, 'This can't possibly work' I say - I know, it seems impossible, and it maybe is a big waste of time, but I can tell that you are watching what I am doing, and I thank you for noticing me even when you don't agree. It shows how much you love me.
Seriously, who is going to walk away from that?
Here's a little secrete, after a while of giving compliments, or even noticings, your son will be starting to believe that he can get your attention without going to such a bother. Then you will put in the 'Very Boring - No' part. Remember to say 'No' at the first sign of misbehavior, because it's a lot easier to not get super-angry if he is only doing a small wrong thing. Then turn around and do the noticing. During the 'Yesterday morning' story, he DID actually stop being loud for a few minutes, so during those few moments, give him a ton of attention, one to one. It's very very difficult to do, but do it as if your life depended on it. It's worth it.
Love and More Love,
Grinity
