What sticks out to me: He is not happy or proud to get his way. He is upset with himself and wishes he/the situation were different.
Yes, but he realizes only after a while.
I think you are at the point where you and your wife have to forget the "reasons" for the tantrums and analyze them for ways to bring more peace to the family. If your son starts to feel success, that he can change his behavior, then you will be on the road to better peace. There are many, many thoughts on tantrums and you have to sift through and adapt to your own situation. When they suggest techniques, don't just try it. Think about what kind of problem that would work for. And if it doesn't fit, don't do it.
Well we tried so many things from being kind with him even when being insulted to using "force". Nothing works ... He is so irrational then.
If he were mine, I'd be looking at what upsets him. It seems that he loses track of time and then becomes angry that time has passed and his plans are ruined. You can anticipate this. You have a good schedule in place already. You can say, DS, if you want to watch TV, you'll have to be quick. Do you want me to help you stay on track? (My mantra is "time passes even when you are doing something else". I think it's hard for kids at 10 to really get a sense of time, so I'd help him with it. Mine at 14 is starting to be able to be able to gauge time and plan accordingly but he still will be disappointed when he gets distracted and runs out of time.
Yes, time is a big weakness of him. He still asks if it lunch time or souper time (it is much rarer now than it was). DW wants him to manage this by himself just by looking at the clocks (w have several wall-clocks in the house). I just tell her that we have to remind him the time is running because he cannot do it by himself. But, she does not want that so I just quit this. She tells that from knowing he will not have what he wants he will care about time ... But anyway, when I am with him I told him regularly that he has to speed up ... well, it changes nothing. He is so in what he is doing that except from doing things for him nothing will happen. And as he is now 10, we cannot act as he were 4....
Think about the tantrums, you and your wife and analyze what happened before, what triggered it? Could you tell it was coming? How?. And if DS seems willing, ask him if your analysis is correct. Then work together, the three of you on what DS can do differently, how the environment can change (BUT don't involve DS so much that he is able to start blaming you for his behavior. He must always own it. You are just there to help him learn to manage himself).
The main trigger for tantrums : frustration (quite linked to time). But he is not behaving as a king-kid because when he wants something in a mall, if we refuse (most of the time) he is just not happy and never enters tantrums (or once). But he can also enter in huge anger if we ask him to stop playing because we have to go to the cinema (he enjoies that). Then, it is not truly a frustration because we are going to please him. It is more a matter of time and eing too much into what is doing.
And while reading about tantruming, you'll hear all sorts of things to do, how you should behave, but the reality is that a tantrumming child is irrational. It's already too late by that time. Your only role is really to try to help him calm down. (that's why some do well with ignoring if child is doing it for attention, others do well with calm voice if child gets upset by parent reaction) What ever helps him to calm is what you do. While ignoring works for most kids--some kids do not have the capacity to self calm and ignoring them just makes them feel abandoned and alone with nobody to help. Given the long standing history of tantrums, I'm willing to bet he's one of the kids who needs help to calm down.
You're definitely right ! Sometimes is anger turns into despair and then we have to confort him. I often tell him then that we love him but we just cannot let him act this way.
Ask your DS what would help him calm (but again don't take responsibility and don't promise to do it). He may know or he may not have any clue. You guys are working together to solve this.
Tell him the most important thing to you is that he and the family are safe and that you will do whatever is necessary for that. Perhaps he needs to go into his bed with his favorite punching surface, or perhaps he needs to run, bang into walls, or whatever. As long as it's safe, even if it's weird, allow it. He has some big problems to deal with and he is lucky to have a mom and dad who are sticking with him and working so hard to help him.
I'll think about that... Thanx
