We've been able to successfully alter DD's behavioral choices in three ways:
a) you're being rude/disrespectful and you're making {authority figure} feel bad because of your behavior. Is that what you want?
b) your behavior is leading your peers to have more difficulty in this environment. You are negatively impacting others' ability to (do whatever activity is in play). Do you have the right to limit others this way?
c) you are a role model. What kind of behavior are you modeling for others?
This works for my DD14 primarily because she is an extreme empath and highly-- no, really HIGHLY-- prosocial. She is also, at heart, an authority pleaser who does not want to cause others distress.
I wouldn't even try it with a child that was not both of those things, but with a child that is, it's worth a shot.
There is no level of punishment (or if there is, it's clearly into "abuse" territory) that can act as a sufficient deterrent for one of these kids, in my experience with mine. Bribes can work-- but understand that anything that becomes a SYSTEM is doomed.
As soon as you place extrinsic rewards and punishments around something, it becomes a power struggle, and some kids will literally do ANYTHING rather than submit to such a system.
If you suspect that the autonomy bit is the underlying issue here, hand it over. So to speak. "I know that you can take control of your behavior so that it is within the boundaries that make it acceptable. Let me know if you have trouble and need my help to come up with ways to manage this." (Most highly autonomous children would rather chew off an arm than admit that they need HELP with something like this-- but if the behavior is truly voluntary, such a statement can work miracles-- IF the child believes in the goal, that is, which is where my earlier trio of talking points comes into things-- gaining that BUY-IN to begin with.)
Last edited by HowlerKarma; 11/13/13 04:05 PM.
