We tend to approach this as an underlying two-fold problem with my DD, who has a nasty tendency toward passive resistance and even manipulative or passive-aggressive insubordination when she is not feeling like compliance.
She's impervious to operant conditioning methodology, incidentally, as we've learned to our peril over the years. We offer her perks because she's a great kid and we love her-- sometimes we'll offer them as "bonuses" for doing something exceptionally challenging for her.
But we NEVER use sticker charts or behavioral charts. Wow, is THAT ever a road to hell with this particular child.
Anyway.
Two-fold issue:
a) why is there not sufficient respect for a particular individual? It may be that I happen to
agree with my daughter's assessment there, but it's equally possible that I wind up thinking that she is basing her opinion on immature factors. I don't really know whether or not her opinion is valid in a more or less objective sense until I talk it over with her. Sometimes that leads to--
b) offering respect even when we don't WANT to behave in compliant ways. Sometimes you aren't in a position to seize autonomy for yourself, and really-- it's a good thing. At that point, then, one has to learn to be reasonably graceful about tolerating situations that we'd rather not find ourselves in, and thereby limiting just HOW unpleasant they are for ourselves and everyone else involved.
My DH and I are both very strong-willed individuals, too. This helps, because we know where DD is coming from with this stuff. On the other hand, it also means that she has a genetic double-dose of "Oh yeah?? YOU CAN'T MAKE ME..."
Rational discussion, but with the clear boundary condition that as parents, we DO ultimately have veto power over her desire for autonomy over her entire life at this point in time. We listen, but we may not always
agree with her, in other words.
