Ultramarina,
So sorry to hear that you DD is miserable. I would definitely say that kids can experience friction at school and still toe the line in behavior there. But the price that they pay for storing up that friction deep down inside is huge. You are the safety valve. You are the safest place to release all of that pent up anger and frustration, and so you get the brunt of it. It is not due to bad parenting. I think it is a testament to how much she trusts you to love her unconditionally that she knows that she can vent all of that raw emotion at you.
While your story was not exactly the same as ours, there were enough similar themes that it resonated with me. (And my son has every last one of the concerns that ColinsMum linked to, just to let you know!) Last year, DS(then10) was becoming so angry, frustrated, and depressed that by November we knew things were bad. We kept seeing Dr. Amend every three weeks for counseling. DS was rude and abrasive, particularly when he came home from school. He would get in our face and shout and hurl very forbidden curse word he knew. Then later he would cry and apologize, just like your DD. As the year progressed, he just quit at school, with grades plummeting to F's. And he was threatening to throw himself out of the window. His recurrent manta was that he was a failure at everything: socially, academically, etc. He had absolutely no self-esteem, and was repeatedly being told at school that there was something wrong with him because he was so different. (He is 2E with ADHD and sensory seeking behaviors.) The diagnosis of anxiety, social phobia, and depression was so strong that Dr. Amend chose to put him on Zoloft, which only made the matter worse. (But that is a different story)
We found out later that there was a great deal of bullying going on at school, and the teachers were blaming it on him because he was not like the other kids. Having problems with just a few kids can indeed cause a lot of the symptoms that you are describing. Also, you might be surprised at how clichish kids get at this age. Kids, particularly girls, seem to delight in suddenly abandoning old friendships for popular new ones and the power of exclusion. Maybe you could use this line of questioning to open a discussion of "How are things with DD at school?" with her teachers, before moving on to the question of academic challenges?
I agree with everything Grinity says. We needed frequent "mental health days", as Dr. Amend calls them, to finish out the dismal year. This fall we changed to a new school, and they recommended an immediate second grade skip. The new environment at school, new kids and teachers, and a better academic fit made ALL of the symptoms that you describe go away. The change was absolutely amazing. We still have a few snarly days here and there now, but I attribute this to normal pre-teen attitude that quickly becomes more polite when we call him on it. Last year, he couldn't turn his attitude around like that. He was so raw inside with frustration that no amount of typical parenting rules seemed to help him, i.e grounding, being sent to his room, losing computer privileges. It just confirmed in his mind that he was somehow broken and that life was not worth living.
I feel for you and your DD. I hope you get some answers from the Psych. evaluations. Just be sure to let your DD know that you are not taking her to it because there is something wrong with her. Let her know that it is an example of how much you love her and care about her that you are willing to try anything to help her. Then maybe she will open up about what is going on with her. For what is it worth, my DS had a very hard time opening up about how much pain he was in and what was causing it. He had to be out of the toxic environment before he could look back and see how bad it was.
