Frankly, I do find it odd (though it's a good thing for us all) that she is so well-behaved at school. I mean, I think she has occasional moments--she is the kind of kid who corrects the teacher--but she definitely does not throw fits and she follows directions to a T. I don't know what it's all about. I have long wondered if this might be an indictment of our parenting in some way. I know, I know, she feels safer at home, etc.
Oh Ultramarina - I hated those days when I'd go to bed feeling like a bad mom with an out of control kid. ((hugs))
It sounds to me like she is working hard to keep it together during the school day. I get that there isn't much to do about it at this late date, but what is in the works to change things for next year. No matter what the diagnosis, a gifted kid with a short fuse NEEDS stimulating setting to handle school.
I'm glad you backed off the yelling and lecturing during the storms. It may or may not be helping her (and I bet it is) but it's certianly having integrity for you, and you may as well. Now I'm going to 'challenge' you to take that approach one step further (a la 'Transforming the Difficult Child Workbook' by Lisa Bravo) while you have a few months before the appointment.
1) Talk to the school and let them know what you are seeing at home and see if there is ANYTHING that they can do a) for next year, and b)to wiggle things for the rest of this year. At the very least, get the teacher's agreement for a daily email each day for the next 2 weeks telling something praiseworthy that happened in school so that you and DH can start rebuilding her self image of herself as someone worth of appreciation instead of as a big giant mess. You'll feel better too.
2) Consider a once a week 'homeschool day' just you and her traveling to a museam and send younger brother to the babysitters for the day. Expensive, but cheaper than many many other things. Put your resource where your mouth is will be much more effective to convince her that she still has a special relationship with you than all the verbal reasurrance in the world.
3) Set the timer while she is in the house for 10 minutes. Walk over to where she is when it goes off, and notice what she is doing. Find ways that she is putting your family values into action and say those aloud with sincerity. Keep it verifiable. Small is fine. Then do the same for your DS, and DH if he is home. Then head back to whatever you were doing, reset the timer and keep repeating until bedtime. Expect blowback, and up the ante with 'Thanks for saying in words that you hate what I'm doing, that's a respectful way to get your point across.' Suspend this during emotional storms.
There is more to it, but these are the first steps to get in place before the rest can be started.
DS15 was going through 'mental puberty' around age 9. It was a mental awakening to that developmental need to establish independence and grow out of a childlike dependence that hits our kids much too early. So my guess is that she is rebelling against the pressures of 'needing to grow up' and acting more immature. It may also have some physical puberty underpinnings. Depression does show up as anger - I've been watching
http://bigthink.com/ideas/16713Dr. Kay Redfield Jamison talking about the difference between grief and depression. I do think that there will be some level of grief, for us and for our kids, as we transition from one chapter of life from the next. So yup, get a professional involved to have an outside opinion, as well, but do what you can at home. Excersize, Sleep, reasonable nutrition, reasonable limits on screen time, reasonable amounts of outdoor time, no 'attention-binges' in response to negative behavior - as parents we are in charge of some of the basics, and a small change can make a big difference.
Love and More Love,
Grinity
