We're actually removing one of my children from our district's highly gifted program because there are so many kids in the classroom who don't behave. Their parents think their kids are precious snowflakes who shouldn't be expected to be quiet, sit in their seats or be respectful, and they literally say that to the teachers. I'm frustrated that we have to move my child, rather than the naughty children moving, but it's a losing battle. Thanks for doing your part early, to make your children good citizens.
I have to say that the precious snowflake comment feels very judgmental. I am a parent whose child has trouble with all the things you listed. We - meaning both he AND his parents - work very hard on this. We have expectations and consequences and he probably works harder on this than most any kid in his class. He also suffers for it a ton, because he knows he fails and he wants so badly to succeed.
Judgment doesn't help him or me as his mom. I used to respond to judgment like this. I'd try to adopt the strategies offered by the folks making the judgment, and I firmly believed there was something wrong with both my parenting and my son. Over the years I came to realize that standard reward/punishment strategies were not only useless, they were harmful. Since much of my son's behavior was not volitional, the punishments and rewards were inherently arbitrary to him, and they actually became an obstacle to his growth because they confused him so.
Likewise, and for the same reason, public humiliation was incredibly harmful. You wouldn't berate a disabled child for failing to run fast, would you?
So - you won't ever SEE me castigating my son for his behavior, or otherwise embarrassing him in public for his behavioral failures. You won't hear about the things he loves being taken away, except when that's a natural (i.e., necessary) consequence. (I.e., "If you won't put the Magic cards away when you need to get to sleep, then I have to take them away." NOT - "You blurted answers in class and were disrespectful to your classmate, so I'm taking away your Magic cards."). You won't hear about sticker charts or red/yellow/green or any of the other strategies that work for so many kids. They don't do a d#$!ed bit of good, and I will no longer succumb to pressure to impose them. Net - if you were in our home, you would see him getting powerful, meaningful consequences that show him both what expectations are and why he should keep working to meet them. And he does.
You'll also never hear me saying that he "doesn't have to behave because he's gifted." That's ludicrous. But he is wired differently from other kids, and you will hear me defend him against the imposition of one-size-fits-all punishment/reward strategies and the attendant condemnation from teachers and other parents when they inevitably fail.
I'm sorry for my rant in response to your rant. But it just pushed every button for me as a mom. I'm sure you didn't mean it as a general condemnation of parents of kids (gifted or otherwise) who have behavior problems. It just sort of felt like it ....
