just a personal experience - although I never melted down (too scared of dear step dad for that!)I did often have very angry outbursts and called my mum all sorts of things. The worst thing for me was that she would engage with me. I was just blowing off steam and she was taking it as a full psychological assault and start her own histrionics. Too this day (I am 40) I don't talk to my mother about emotional issues because it becomes all about her.
I think you need to look at this a s too separate issues. One, potentially a hormonal/coping issue that really is not about you and can probably helped by general parenting tweens advice (I'm not there yet).
Second It sounds like your daughter really is struggling with her perceptions of what she needs to be doing and I think you've been given great advice above re that.
Really though, unless you have immediate concerns about your DD's safety I think you need to be your DD's emotional rock right now and just not buy into the drama. Oh and I'm def with HK on the whole, have your tantrum but don't interfere with others take on it.
