Here are some things I would try for the conversation today. Caveat: I do most of my parenting on feel and intuition rather than following others' philosophies or methods, so what I do may be specific to my own kids. I'm also really bad at judging what is blindingly obvious and what is my own insight. Please forgive me if this is what everyone does already or it would never work for anyone else.
- for talking them down: it's ugly, yes. Try distraction, especially with food or exercise. My kids don't ramp up that fast, so I'm usually able to defuse the situation early.
- for setting up a serious conversation: make the situation as cozy and non-threatening as possible: cuddle on the couch, milk and cookies, not so far outside the norm as to raise suspicions but generally a situation that exudes caring. Plan to do as much listening as possible, and plan to keep your own emotions as muted and gentle as you can. I think some kids respond to emotional 'noise' and can't handle it.
- for "you hate me": I see a couple of different possible motivations for this, that would get different approaches in my house. It may be a combination of the two. Maybe ask her what she expects to happen when she uses those words, or what her feelings were during an incident that prompted them, or ask directly if she feels out of control or feels you want to turn her into a grown-up that she isn't yet. This is the trickiest part; you have to get her to think a ABOUT the situation, immersively enough to identify emotions, but with enough remove that she isn't overwhelmed. Watch out for signs that she's starting to build up stress, and offer a way out of the question if it's too intense. "Hm, my milk cup is empty. I think I need a refill. Do you want some, too?"
One possibility is that she knows it's one of your buttons and she's trying to get a reaction. This might be something she feels like she can control when she feels out of control - like when a problem is too hard. You don't hate her. Hold tight to that, and don't try too hard to convince her of it; this is the response she's trying to get. Instead, offer her other things to control, in this moment and out of it. Not knowing your DD, I'm not sure what to suggest for this.
Another possibility is that she's feeling like the child she is today isn't getting the love; it's all saved up for the adult she will be someday. Remember that this is her perception, not your intent. It deserves attention and conversation but not guilt. The solution is better communication. Ask what a loving parent would do; how would she take care of her kid; how would she prepare her kid for adulthood; how can someone love the kid WHILE preparing them for adulthood; just keep her talking so you can keep listening.
- to make it stick: this sort of conversation isn't easy, and will probably make her tense up at first. When she's talked out, she will begin to relax a bit. When you see that happening, ask what the two of you can do in the future to make things better. Try to let her make the suggestions, but offer some if she doesn't have any ideas. If you have to turn some of her ideas down, explain why they aren't practical. Hopefully you will end up with a couple of strategies that she thinks will work to defuse situations and make her feel loved/in control.
Wishing you patience, composure, and luck.
