I've seen teachers over the years who do want kids to be the ones communicating, because it's a lot easier to intimidate a kid.
Agree.
And in those cases, when the parent gets involved, the teachers blame the child. "Well, DC never said anything about it to me." This is one of the reasons why self-advocacy is so helpful, because when it is time for us parents to step in, we're in a stronger position. We begin the conversation by describing the situation and the things our children have done in an attempt to resolve it. That cuts off the go-to excuse right there, and adds an unspoken, "Why has it gotten to the point where I need to be personally involved?"
That said, one thing that worked well for us was to get our sons their own email accounts fairly early and communicate to the teachers directly.
Children in my school district are not allowed to communicate with the staff directly via electronic media of any sort (email, social networks, etc) to avoid any inappropriate contact (grooming, etc) or its appearance. All communications must pass through the parents' accounts.
That said, one thing that worked well for us was to get our sons their own email accounts fairly early and communicate to the teachers directly. When they were younger, we had them copy us (if the teacher objected, we responded that we asked them to copy us on all communication with adults). Even difficult teachers did seem to respond better when stuff came directly from the kids.
During DD's difficult 1st-grade year, we asked her to write a letter communicating her feelings about the school situation. I read it aloud during one of the meetings. The body language of the staff members all said, "I don't care, I'm not listening."
I agree that if a child is going to be at the meeting, the child needs to be prepared to back the parent. Advocacy just doesn't work when parents say one thing and kid denies it.
And vice-versa. Our children know that adults can be unpredictable when challenged by a child, and the adults in question control a lot of their lives, and can make things very uncomfortable. Children DO get bullied by school staff, and my DW has seen direct examples. They're often going to consider it in their best interests to say nothing and avoid escalation, and they'll only gain the confidence to speak up when they're convinced, by words and by actions, that their parents have their backs.
Also, the child backing the parents is not limited to the meeting. For example, if the parent says the child has a certain skill level, the school is going to require confirmation. The child needs to be prepared to demonstrate those skills.
BUT, I also never bring my kid to a meeting (and we've had LOTS) without telling them what I plan to say and preparing them for the questions they might be asked... Your dd missed most of the meeting and came in like a witness in a court room. Only, at least on TV, they are well prepared for every question. Your DD was in a tough spot.
ITA. That staff member's action was totally inappropriate. The next time you have a meeting with the school, they're going to bring up your DD's responses, and how they are inconsistent with your message. My response would be, "That's what happens when you ambush a 9yo."
