DS8 is very uncomfortable self-advocating, but I agree that it becomes more and more important to do so as they age. We have an agreement that he will make an attempt to self-advocate when issues arise at school and if it doesn't work out, he brings the problem to me and I take over. I see it as scaffolding. Right now he folds his tent quickly and hands the problem over, but I discuss with him my approach and the outcome so that he is learning how to take the next step. My short term goal is to build his confidence to take over that second step (or at least keep his tent up a bit longer) with the security of knowing that I will step in if necessary.
It is unfortunate that the teacher called your daughter in to the meeting without giving you an opportunity to prepare her, but now you know that she'll likely face such questions with or without you present and helping her with self-advocacy skills could be very beneficial.
