We do tell my DD when to go to bed on school nights, but I suppose even that's a boundary, because she can do whatever she likes up to that time.
As far as providing food choices, here's how it works in our family, feel free to incorporate/disregard anything you see. If our DD7 doesn't like what's for dinner, she has a number of options, though these are now limited to the quickie variety (quesadilla/sandwich/microwavables/leftovers/etc.) because DW already spent all that time on something else. DW also incorporates some simple accommodations for DD when she cooks. For example, rice sides are always either rice pilaf or Spanish rice, because those are the ones DD likes. If DW is incorporating ingredients DD likes (like meat or tomato sauce) with those she doesn't (like potatoes or mushrooms), and it can't be picked out easily, she'll set aside a small amount without that ingredient for DD. Just little stuff. Whenever it's a new food, the only thing we ask is that she try it.
And on the nights where DW doesn't have a plan, and we have the dinner conversation, we invite DD to participate (though "What should we have for dinner?" is usually immediately followed by "No, not Taco Bell."). So she has a voice in the process, even if we don't pick any of her suggestions, which is fine, because we don't always pick mine or DW's, either.
Obviously we all have our wants subsumed by the needs of the family unit at various times (DD just spent 4 hours at a car dealership), and there has to be some give and take on everyone's part. But it's so easy for parents to forget to give in to the child at times, or to negotiate so you both still get what you want. For example, when your DD comes to you with a recipe she wants to try, that's a good activity she has chosen for herself. So if you have to tell her "no" because it's not a good time, are you giving her an alternative time?
Another suggestion: the "yet another activity" comment suggests that maybe there are too many structured, scheduled activities, so that's something to think about. Free play is a vital component of child development, and an over-scheduled child would definitely feel stressed and controlled, so this might be the underlying source of her reaction. Having more time in the week would relieve stress on you, too.
