There's a conflict dynamic that is all too common between adults, usually married, wherein one partner shuts down as a defensive mechanism. The vocal partner escalates their aggression, in an effort to get the quiet partner back into the discussion. The quiet one retreats further, the vocal one escalates yet again, and it becomes a destructive feedback loop. In this scenario, the vocal one is escalating not out of a need to "steal energy," but because of growing insecurity about the relationship. "Do you even care?"
I would argue that those who are dealing with a shut-down partner ARE trying to evoke a reaction...any reaction. Yes, I totally agree that the reaction isn't pleasant. But this is much the same for a kid (like my DS) who continues to kick the back of my carseat until I've blown up. He may not like the reaction...but he was compelled to draw it out of me.
Your description of the shut-down couple is very accurate. You may enjoy the writings of
Gottman Insstitute and their research with couples. It is educational and fascinating.
