We have been exlicitly labelling things "tantrums" and "meltdowns." Today he's having a tantrum, it's mild, but has been going on since 2:30 I got home feeling beat, and worried I wasn't handling it very well. Their dad took him 20 minutes ago, and he's already yelling. He's usually better at not yelling than me. But still, everytime he gets attention things escallate.
When he has meltdowns, it goes the other way, it escallates untill he gets attention.
The problem is I don't think it's either possible or desirable to ignore him long enough for it to be a real deterrant. I did that this morning, while trying to get his brother to sleep, because I had no real choice at the time. It took an hour before he was quiet enough that the little one could sleep. But it worked. Ultimately, he cleaned his room on his own initiative to earn my attention back (wich worked darned stinkin' well).
I worry that any consequence serious enough to be a deterrant is abusive. Like ignoring a 3 yr old for an hour.
Positive re-enforcement is hard because he feels any absence of positive re-enforcement as punitive. Like if I pause when turning the pages of a book to take a sip of coffee, or to pass the little one another toy.
And then I worry that he has a genuine disorder of some type. But I think he's generally subtantially better behaved than agemates. It's just incredibly difficult to adjust his behavior, including for reasons of safety.
I like the idea that people should be intrinsically motivated, but can that get to the level of a disability?
I notice he's in his room now, telling me tearfully that it isn't fair at all. I offered attention if he stopped three things, and he immediately stopped. I guess I gotta go now. He wants attention -- just more than we can give.
ARG.
