Do you think her taking a year off would help, or just prevent her from ever graduating
I’m not sure; I guess it depends on how well that year is spent. I do fear that taking her out of the environment that has been so healing for her would be a bad thing unless the motivation to go back is enough to keep her moving in a forward direction and really work on her issues to prove she can be successful if they let her return.
I have heard a number of NPR segments in the last couple of months about how college might not be the best option for some kids (given the current hiring rates of recent grads), especially if they have skills in other [more practical?] areas.
She really isn’t ready for gainful self supporting employment at this point. While the notion of a degree leading to a great job in the end is nice; my goal for her at this point is to have an enjoyable, meaningful and stimulating experience with true peers that inspire her and lift her up while experiencing sheltered independence as we wait for the executive functions to catch up with the rest of her. The degree at the end is the bonus.
Have you considered seeing if she would qualify for admission to CIP in addition to counseling and meds?
Well, this is the first I have heard of this program, on the one hand it seems great but the price YIKES! Also, the testimonies sound very much like my DD but the pics and descriptions seem to indicate a much higher-need population and that would really upset her to be put in an environment of higher needs students.
Have you had any discussions with the dean about the disabilities, about how new the diagnoses were, about the existential crisis?
Yes, about everything.
I think if she were my kid (and keep in mind, mine is 9, we're not there yet), I'd probably ask them to put her on medical leave rather than kicking her out of school, and then get going on therapy to remediate the anxiety and writing problems and get her stable on the meds again. It is going to be some serious work, but if she wants to invest the effort she can learn to manage these things.
This is where I am leaning as far as wanting to help with therapy/meds/remediation but I would have to find a way to support this without allowing her to fall back into her old ways (i.e. she moves in and lies about going to work/school/therapy, becomes bed-bound and depressed).
The school is apparently pretty lenient on students who petition to return when they show they have worked to address the issues that prevented them from returning the previous year. It seems that it is quite common for students to take a year off to sort personal stuff out and there isn’t a lot of stigma. She will most likely still get credit for the whole freshman year if she turns the paper in before returning and provided she didn’t get “F’s” this semester.
Can you travel there to accompany her? Is there a supportive teacher or residential adviser who could? Is this a "can't" or a "won't"?
I offered to, she didn’t want that, she wants to wait til she’s home since it’s only a couple weeks. If she would just go to the counselor at school and tell them she wants to see the psych, they would take care of the rest. I don’t think its cant or wont, I think its sheer terror at the idea and denial of the immediate need.
I don't think it's fair at this point to let her fail entirely. It *is* fair to say you aren't paying any more tuition until she's shown that she has the skills to succeed in college; but the overall life failure (living on her own, becoming unable to function) is not one I'd let a young adult with this collection of disabilities experience unless there's no other option.
I don't think it's enabling if you help her learn what she needs to learn. You could set parameters under which she can return to college, and she knows she has to work on mastering those skills. That's not letting her do whatever she wants or feels like; it makes her accountable for her learning and eventual success.
The thing is, the very skills she needs most are developing by leaps and bounds at this college; she has matured socially and in terms of self confidence and independence by several years in just the one year she has been there. Writing and anxiety seem to be the culprits holding her back; I just fear that her motivation to succeed may go out the window once she is away from this environment that has been so positive for her. The whole delayed gratification thing is not one of her strengths and I don’t know if it could sustain her for a whole year away from real peers.
You could contact your state or local autism society and ask for help. You could also talk with Social Security and other organizations for people with developmental disabilities, and start applying for funding and maybe looking into supervised housing opportunities.
She would never go for that. She would sooner live in a trailer at her dads or move in with her grandma where she would have no expectations from anyone and no one telling her what to do.
Thank you so much DeeDee for your thoughtful responses, they are really helping me think through this.
“What may be defined as failure to you may be utter relief to her. And if you are more invested than she is in keeping her in college full time away from home, she is going to continue to need rescued. Believe me, I'm speaking from experience. IF it can be fixed so that she can return and have another chance, I think the conversation that might be the most helpful is the one where she feels just as safe saying it is too hard to go back as it is to say she wants to try again.
My daughter was diagnosed with ADHD this year after losing her scholarship and killing her GPA. She has decided to continue to go to college - on her terms. She is only going part time while working part time. And for her, it has finally given her success - on her terms.
I'm not saying you shouldn't help her get the help she needs, but if she isn't in the driver's seat on this, she'll continue to fail and you continue to rescue and push her forward,
Then again, this is only my opinion, and I could be totally wrong,”
I am really thinking hard on this, because I do feel like I am more vested than she is but I think for very different reasons than you suggest. I saw how my angry, barely functioning, near comatose child who had pretty much lost all will to live suddenly became a happy, engaged, social being - instantaneously upon setting foot on this campus, it literally was a miracle - we found her people at long last and they get her and she gets them. I lost that wonderful loveable happy energetic kid in a slow decline to the abyss that seemed to begin about 8 years ago.
She previously tried junior college and even a local university but they weren’t to her liking, she felt the classes were no different than high school at the junior college and she was so intimidated and anxious at the university that she never actually went into one of her classes because she was afraid of embarrassing herself trying to find a seat in the 200 seat auditorium. I tried the “maybe its not the right time for college” and “college isn’t for everyone” talks and she became very upset and asked if I had written her off, so I think in many ways she is in the drivers seat, she just cant reach the gas pedal or see over the dashboard ;-).
I've been there. Not with an actual writing disorder, but depression, anxiety, totally falling apart when an essay is due, etc.
HOW DID YOU GET THROUGH IT????
Yes to CBT, it really really really is a great thing. No to your husband's stance on not letting her live at home again. Does he want her to be homeless? Feeding her and giving her shelter and a gentle push to get up and go to her job at Walmart and to her therapist isn't being an enabler.
But, maybe it's not the right time for her to be doing this. Some time, some undemanding work, let her hormones settle down, mature a bit, let her find a purpose for the study and she may well do some study later in her life.
I do think CBT sounds like a necessary component of the solution, I am having the hardest time finding someone in my area and on my insurance who does that and gets ADHD gifted and Aspergers.
She was really horrible to my husband, she pushed all of his buttons and pointed out all of his idiosyncrasies and hypocrisies and argued and refused to obey every rule etc. This is tough enough to deal with when it’s your own kid but I understand him being fed up and wanting to enjoy peace in his home. He left home at 16 and worked his way through college with no parental help so he thinks everyone should be able to do that, he doesn’t believe in her diagnosis and he thinks she is just lazy and manipulating me. I hope to have him visit the counselor once we find one and maybe they can help him understand.
Lol, she couldn’t get a job at Wally world! None of the smart kids could in this town, there is theory amongst them about that related to the profile you have to complete for the application…I don’t think she needs time, she has had a lot of that since I took her out of high-school at 15. I fear that more time and undemanding work will leave her uninspired and listless again. She needs to feel like what she is doing is meaningful.
I do plan to require that she work or volunteer as part of a full time program of getting it all together if I do end up finding a workable way to support her housing needs, now that she is 18, hopefully she will have an easier time finding a job!
